To my hero

Happy birthday Wu Yifan. It has been approximately a year + since your existence became noticeable to me. Its your birthday, and I hope you're having a great time! :) (now and the future) 

When I started liking EXO, my bias wasn't you. My bias was only based on who's looks caught my attention first. Until about a month later, I was totally mesmerized by you. It was a shallow kind of like, its like, a normal fan like. I check updates sometimes, watch your interviews sometimes, smile over your new airport pictures. I never thought I'd actually be that into an idol, moreover, an idol like you. 

You were tall and blonde back then. With a cold and charismatic aura around you. I've always liked how you present yourself, like a cold statue. That was a shallow kind of like, how I like your image because you're my kind of idol that I would stan. You look so beautifully craved, like a masterpiece made by god. I admired you, admired how you can speak so many languages, rap so well and at the same time, talk during awkward interviews. 

When EXO started out afresh, you guys weren't like other groups. You guys were so shy on interviews and barely spoke. Under the constant stress of improving, you guys strived for the best. The most touching part, and the part of you that caught my attention, was your everything. 

As the year went along, I noticed that you're actually not what you seem to be. You're tall and had a model-like appearance, but in actual fact, you're awkward and sincere. 

You're bad with kids, and I love how you seem like you want to interact with them and make them happy but could only laugh in a weird manner when you see them. You're so bad at expressive yourself it's starting to make me feel: god, this man is adorable. 

You're such a nice person, you often cared for the fans and even bought a luggage to put their gifts. The first thing that I thought was that, wow you're really considerate. You made the effort to take care of the fans' gifts and never took them for granted. 

You're filial. You often said that you missed your parents and it made me go, aw, I want this kid to go bak to his homeland and visit his parents. You went back to Canada once and disappeared without a trace. Rumors were that you quitted SM and went to China to become an actor. However, no official news were made. I was so worried about you. When a fan reported seeing you at the airport, I cried. I never thought I'd cry so hard for a man I've never seen before, for a man I've never talked to, for a man who didn't know my existence. 

When you went back to Canada, I could see that even thought you were surrounded by persistent fans, you didn't rudely dismiss them. You showed a disappointed face that made my heart ache so much. You didn't want to hurt the fans, did you? 

When you held back your tears and yet people still joked about how cold-hearted you are, I was a little mad. I got mad at how people can't seem to notice your loveliness and how much of a dork you are. You're strong, and you keep things to yourself so much its worrying me. I want you to be happy, and happily ever after. 

I've grown so attached to you, a man with a cute gummy smile, a man who had such burning passion for basketball, a man who never wanted to give up on his dreams, a man that no one could possibly dislike. It's starting to make me scared, scared that I've grown so attached to you but the feelings will just be too much for me to take. 

I've toned down my spazzing over you already, and I really wish you can continue putting up that cheery face, that "arrogance" when you joked about being the second Picasso, the amused face when you see a toy helicopter and angry bird, the fatherly smile when Sehun pestered you for bubble tea. I'd never forget how lovely and perfect you are. And I hope you'll never forget that as well.

I may be just another fan among your dedicated bunch of supporters, but I promise I'll be here till the end, to witness your every single moments. I cherish your existence, and thank you, for being such a great role-model. I sincerely wish for all the best in your life, and may your love life blossom soon. I'm too young and its impossible for me to stay by your side, so I wish someone whom you truly love, and truly loves you, can stay by your side, and take care of you in our place <3

生日快乐，我的天使。:)

Return

It has been a month since I've posted a blogpost. Life has been going on moderately well for me for the past month while I'm gone, but recently, things went all wrong again. The emotions that faded during the past month came back and suffocated me, once again.

I find myself struggling to find my purpose in life. I find myself feeling outcasted and out of place. I find myself getting irritated at most other people. I find myself insignificant and worthless.

Truth is, I want to be noticed. I want people to give me full attention, I like attention. I've always loved attention. I'm thirsting for the attention and applause. Positively. I want myself to appear as a perfect example in front of people. I want them to love me, admire me, I do everything for the sake of that. 

I find myself getting so concerned over how I appear to others and spend most of my time trying to fit in to somewhere. Sometimes I wonder why is everyone getting so worried over themselves and how their image is like in the eyes of others. We're so over ourselves that nobody, nobody is actually paying attention to anyone. 

I'm getting all miserable because I go to school trying so hard, to gain nothing but sadness to bring home. I get so depressed that I'm all sensitive again. I'm very sensitive to how other people treat me and how they think I am as a person. I get so overly horrified over the idea of someone disliking me and such. I feel so ignored most of the time, and it accumulates even when I get home. 

But then honestly, my blogposts and words aren't exactly what my feelings really are. The real emotions that I can relate strongly to are mainly quotes/humor on Tumblr. This social network is becoming something that helps me fill up my loneliness, but this method won't last. I don't want to be a dull one who does things to cover up my sadness. I want to face my emotions, and finally, control them. 

I'm slowly trying to improve on myself, try to calm myself down when something someone commented angered me. I want to understand people, and know that they themselves have their own troubles too. If we know each other don't live easily, we shouldn't try to ruin others too right? 

I just want to be happy, but it seems like a goal that I can never reach. 

Since its late now, I shall end this blogpost and do another few anime vents/reviews soon! :) (this is so awkward since I start with some emotional sad shit and it ends with a smiley face sorry I fucked shit up so bad) 

Confused

"You're a fucking bitch. Honestly you're so fucking irritatingly rude and insensitive. You're really shamelessly cunning and shallow. Please stop being a motherfucking selfish bitch. Cunt." 

Without realizing what the actual heck I was doing, I scribbled these angry words on my paper. I don't know anymore. I thought after so many months, I'd be free from the depression that has bugged me so much at the start of the year. I thought I had solved everything, and made everything alright. But fate just had to play with me. I am so tired, really really tired, physically and mentally. I'm sick of these mind games and lies from "friends" and teachers and adults and just fucking every single one of the humans on Earth. I use to only cry when I'm alone, but now I have the urge to cry even when there are people around me who are thinking that I'm having "fun". 

Everyone treats me like a joke, because I'm "sarcastic", "funny" and "thick-skinned". You want to laugh at me? Go ahead. It doesn't hurt your little mind but it hurts my already bruised heart. All of you just had to be so fake, so fake that your acts are so transparent. I just want to find someone sincere and understands me. I just want that one simple soul to accompany me, be my support for the rest of my life. I believe I deserve to have that soulmate, and so do everyone on Earth. I am so sick and tired of people I have stopped throwing tantrums at them, shunning myself away from crowds etc. Instead, I try to mix around, hopelessly trying to find myself. It doesn't work. What they said about "standing up after you fall" doesn't fucking work. I'm so tired. 

I believe that those people who seem close to me right now aren't really my friends just because they genuinely like me. If they do, they wouldn't do so much things to hurt me, and even if I apparently told them about it, they ignored it. They treated me like a joke, a lifeless puppet that they could throw away when I'm old and worn out, and use when I'm pretty and entertaining. I am so sick of these people, so sick of these acts. So damn sick of the drama. I am a twisted human being, because I've seen so much beyond what I should have seen. I'm not mature like they say, I am insane. Absolutely insane. Is it just me or that my "friends" seem to always tell me lies to pamper me and cover up those holes with even more holes. I have really bad trust issues because I tend to see things in a deeper way, and it gets me crazy because I can't make the right judgement about everyone. Its so frustrating. 

Its even more frustrating when I always make the wrong decisions. Like I chose to believe these people because they've told me about themselves "honestly" and they seem to treat me fine. I chose to believe them, when they confide in me, I gave a lot, a lot of suggestions. But they don't work, they either tell me opposite things or tell me that they're okay and still fucking come and show obvious hints that they want fucking attention from me. Yes I get it, you're faking pity just for me to feel guilty, you just want me to fucking comfort you and make you feel better. Sorry, I did fell for all your tricks, insolent bitches. 

Every single time.

But when I need help, who was there for me? Laughs they can't even see through my fake smiles. They can't. They're just that shallow of a human being. I don't want to deal with these people anymore. I want to get good grades and get out of here real fast. The people in the other places might give me a place where I belong. But a buzzing city full of lies and doubts doesn't suit me. Maybe I should go and be a farmer or something.

Recently I'm having really bad headaches and muscle cramps. My mind seems to be buzzing with thoughts and sometimes while walking, I have this dizzy feeling and I feel like something inside my mind exploded. Maybe its just me.

I want to end this post here, finished ranting. Lets just hope those cunts don't find my blog and spread it out to everyone. But if you are lucky enough to come across my blogpost, feel free to confront me about any of the fucking details and I don't fucking care if you want to retort about any content that I've posted. 

Ugh tests

Hello!!! I'm having a test tomorrow and I seriously just feel like giving up now. Instead of revising, I blog to talk about how nervous I am omg ;n; I just can't seem to get anything into my head and I can't understand anything. Those questions in the practice papers are like those that are totally unrelated to the topic and I just???1!??? I feel like flipping the table right now cries cause I still have another major exam coming up in two weeks. Truth be told, my first year here is not really going well. 

Idk about this but I've never really analyzed my own character? Like I always analyze and observe others but I don't know who I am. Isn't that pathetic, seeing through others but never yourself. I just checked the teachers' comments about my last term's performance. Well most of them about how I should really put in effort to achieve better grades etc. There was only two that specifically explained about my behavior in class. One of them said the typical one, strive for progress, able to think critically blah blah blah. I've seen enough of that throughout my six years  in primary school alright, not a surprise in any way. As for the other teacher, she said that I'm actually a smart person, just that I'm not outspoken and tend to keep all the things to myself, like doesn't unleash my hidden skills? I don't know anything, I feel so lost. 

Well this is going to be the end of the blogpost today, I'm so frustrated now I have to go back to studying. Just please please please please let me pass this oh god bless your beautiful souls.

I don't understand omfg

Hello my fellow non-existent readers!!! I'm going to talk about a fanfiction that has been spreading around the exo fandom like wildfire. Its 10080, a ChanBaek fanfiction. Its going to be a very different review I guess? Beware, its going to be mainly critics about how easily influenced this fandom is. I think the last straw I have for this fandom will come soon. I don't even want to explain how shallow this fandom is. Its disgusting and making me cringe how this fandom likes to take comments seriously and act the way they're supposed to. To be honest, I love the otaku fandom more than this fandom. I'm thinking of becoming a semi-stan of exo (until their popularity cools down and those really really annoying "fans" leave the fandom) and then go full anime instead. All my comments will be my personal opinion, no specific attack on anyone! So don't take it that seriously! 

To be honest, this fanfic isn't even that much of a tearjerker. Yes, I admit the language and flow is quite well done. I know I'm only a mere child myself, probably the young one in this fandom, but I'm pretty confident my maturity is higher than some of the fans who are older than me. Is this what the newer generation will become? Okay I'm kinda off topic again heh. So I'm saying that, this fanfic is unique and different from the usual ones. It involves many elements that a normal fanfic would have. I admit, some ideas were pretty interesting. But I can feel that the author is trying to be sentimental throughout the story, especially in those non-realistic conversations and what more, brain cancer. The brain cancer thing is just to inject angst into the readers, but its not really a good idea I would say. 

As much as this fanfic appeals to be all angst and beautifully written, its actually not any (extremely) nicer than those typical fanfics. I'm saying that, the author was just busy trying to make the story feel sentimental and add in many feelings that would evoke the readers' sympathy, but a badly job done. The fandom however, influenced by the "cover" of the fanfiction, insist that it is nice. To be honest, I absolutely has no sad feelings throughout the story, nor do I feel anything that made my heart pound or make me think. I could see the brain cancer thing coming, pretty obvious and not surprising enough. I don't get how some people can cry during this fanfiction, balling your eyes out? seriously? This fandom irks me so much but I'm pretty sure there's still a small amount of fans out there that I look up to. So far I've only found two person who shared the same feelings with me for this fanfiction. undoubtedly, they were much more mature than I am. They spotted the loop holes in the story fast and straight to the point, impressive. This is a much "worsely" done as compared to Anterograde Tomorrow. I have to admit I had that heart clenching moment while reading Anterograde Tomorrow, I even had my eyes red and almost slipping a tear. It was well-written, and no dramatic, unrealistic moments in the story. That's the fanfiction that I adored so much. Unlike this one, I'm not sure what had caused the fandom to react this way, under influence and "expected" reactions I guess? 

Previously I thought the fandom was pretty smart and deep enough to actually "dig" out Anterograde Tomorrow that was posted last year and shared the same heard clenching moments as I do. But now my opinion about the fandom just goes so wrong. I absolutely dislike the way the fandom is behaving. Childish and shallow. I don't know, I'm not saying that I'm a fully mature "brat" who's barely even old enough to drive or anything. I just say what I feel. I know what I'm doing, be it that I'm bragging or not, I do see even deeper things than kids my age do. Its awfully scary to have such a mindset, I'm not blessed with this brain or anything. I've gone through many trivial things that actually made me overthink, changing me into who I am today. I wish I could be a little more naive like the other kids, its a blessing. 

Well thats all I really want to "rant" about today. This is definitely just my opinion, but I need my little space to voice it out within my own world. 

Goodbye, holidays T.T

Anime Review - SNK & Free!

Finally I'm back with another new blogpost! I've been posting really depressing posts previously so I thought it'd be nice if I add some life to it! ^_^ Today I'll be doing an anime review for SNK and Free! I think they're pretty good though they're not complete yet. I just can't help but watch these anime since I heard they're really good and holyshiat they are. 

••••••••••••

So I've been catching up with SNK episodes weekly and I almost cried in the first episode *weeps dramatically* but this week's new episode, 22 got me so sad and its just super heart wrenching. I'm so glad I haven't read the manga because tadaa, surprise scene in anime! 

(I'm so happy Mikasa's birthday is just 8 days away from mine and she's like one of my fav character sooo :D) 

I feel super bad for Petra and Levi and Petra's dad. Petra's dad hinted that Petra was Levi's fiancée and she just had to die right in front of Levi's very eyes. The worst thing is that when Petra died, Levi had to throw her body away to distract the titan in order to ensure everyone's safety. Then Petra's dad had to somehow unintentionally rub it in omfg I just want to take Levi out of the anime brew him a cup of tea wrap him in a giant towel and hug him ever so tight and tell him its okay (even though I'm sure he's an independent captain who no need my comfort LOL) 

I just-

Shingeki no kyojin just kills every character that I love so much I just can't even-

*SHAKES VIOLENTLY* 

And then there's another yaoi couple that I ship so badly though they barely had any interactions and that's Macro x Jean the words Macro said before he died is just so beautiful and I can feel the pang of pain through my heart when he died. 

This anime is such a tear jerker it just gets better and better but its just so damn saddening and all so I can't stop watching and I have never felt so emotionally attached to any anime except for SAO (which I have totally neglected once I started watching SNK I'm SO SORRY I HAVE SINNED T.T) 

•••••••••••

2nd anime that I've watched recently would be Free! It's still ongoing but the graphics and storyline is just so good. I get really happy when I watch this anime and I just feel like I want to jump into the anime and join them lmao.  Oh I have to do a character analysis or else I'll not continue life without regret.

This anime just have two female characters so I had to ship yaoi couples ROFL forgive me nope nope I'm not sorry at all HAHA. I ship Makoto and Haruka! They're so adorable together and its so lovley how they have this special bond and they care so much for one another its so darn cute *_* And and and I ship Nagisa and Rei too they're like the dumbass duo XD 

I have to say I kind of ship Rin and Haruka too and if this is a yaoi anime, then they'd definitely end up together undeniably. But since Rin is being such a selfish and douche, I can't help it but somehow bear a hatred towards him (though his beautiful body somehow helped that NOPE NOPE I DIDNT SAY THAT MY MIND IS PURE :D) 

Idk but I feel so sad for him that he didn't let go of himself. He was the one who pushed himself and overthink. He thinks that Haru was the one who wanted to stop his success and he just had to stoop so low to mock Haru when he lost. I can feel that he still wants to be in a team with Haru, Makoto and Nagisa, but he's just being so darn obstinate (and attractive ;-)) I feel so bad for him though and I can somehow relate to his egoistical and doubtful character. 

And then there's Haru! I have this huge crush on him since he's like totally my type. He's cool and composed at all times and he knows his agenda and goal in life (though he can feel lost at times xD) and plus he's really dorkish at times and his love for swimming is just so darn adorable lmao. The part where he had a hard time choosing from 5 swimming trunks that totally looked the same to me got me cracking so hard I just couldn't hold myself back. 

If I have to ship a straight couple, it'd be Haru and Gou. They look really sweet together haha but I have to admit I ship Gou and the other swimming team's captain (forgot his name he's the spiky head HAHA) more together! Its somehow just cute that Gou speaks every fangirls mind throughout the entire anime. She's not vain and she's a really dedicated swimming club manager. I just love her character to death and I swear I'd love to be her friend (if I could). 

Overall, these two animes are totally of different genres but are indeed potential and mind-blowing! They both give different feelings but are enjoyable and beautiful, especially the graphics. Free! has better graphics (considering how much triceps biceps and muscles they show ;) JKJK I just prefer their drawing style cause its totally shounen-ai-ish!) but SNK has a better background music and impact. 

Both are my newly favourites in my anime list and next up I'd like to watch Kuroshitsuji, Anohana and Fate/Zero! :-) I'm not really feeling depressed anymore cause of these two animes. I honestly want to have a close friendship like theirs in the stories, especially that in Free! Like they always stick through thick and thin and are always there for one another. Isn't that beautiful? (: I wish I can find such friendship in my life or else I can just burry myself with anime for the rest of my life (no regrets man) 

Last but not least, a beautiful fanart from SNK! 

Just a burden

I feel like I'm just burdening everyone. At first, I feel frustrated. Why can't anyone just be sentimental and understand my feelings thoroughly. Its so hard to keep all the anger to myself. In the end, when I try to vent on the social media, everyone judges me and eventually whispers behind my back. I'm sorry but that totally wasn't meant for you to see. You don't like my rants? Unfollow, block, unfriend, whatever you want. I'm tired of bottling up every single tinge of hurt I'm feeling. And you'll never understand me. You all always say that its no big deal, but are you someone who is that twisted and broken like me? 

I hate hypocrites.. 

People who ditch their friends for those "cooler" and more "popular" people to hang out with. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? I'm sure you don't have to make up any kind of excuse just to try to boot lick both parties. Speak the truth, and not let your actions do it all for you. I'm so disgusted at people who pretend to be friendly and then goes: "oh lol I have better things to do so I'm not gonna talk to you anymore."

I'm sorry but you have been officially labelled as a shallow faggot.

Those people who appears like they're helping everyone and being friendly, at the back, they stab everyone. I have this feeling that my entire class is filled with just shallow people (except for a few) who have totally no idea what life was like and they pretend to be. Sure, I'm so egoistic to indirectly consider myself as someone wise, but isn't it better than people who refused to accept compliments? Like they drowns in: "no, I'm not smart/pretty/talented at all!" 

If I compliment you, I really mean it. Jolly well take my compliment and not be a fucking bitch and reply with those kind of things like: "you're better." Its so bloody god darn obvious you're so much better. Sorry if you think that I complimented you just to get a compliment myself. No, I just want you to be aware of the good points about yourself. 

So why can't you not be so "mainstream" and thinks that its only right to deny it? I'm so tired, I'm not like the others okay? 

From frustration to sadness. I just feel that people always tell me: "you can talk to me when you're feeling down okay?" but when I really tell them, they purposely shun themselves away from me and indirectly showed that they didn't want to be involved in me and my silly emotions. So when I gave you all those advices and encouragements, you'd gladly accept them and feel much better.

Moreover, your concerns are so much smaller and more trivial as compared to mine. 

Afraid of getting a B instead of an A? I'm sorry but as a student with a below average C grade I can't do no shit but feel even worse after you tell me about you getting a B. You have found the wrong person to talk to. But then what was my reply? Did I shoo you off with a cold glare? No, I was the one who typed until fucking Whatsapp limit just to cheer you up. And what was your reply after I feel down with all the pressurizing environment? 

You left.

Its understandable how you could not understand me after you get up from an all time low. I'm so sorry for bothering you then (?) You say you're trying, but no, anyone could see that there was no signs of you working hard. You suck big time. (I'm not indirectly saying about anyone. Its just practically almost everyone) 

I feel so sad whenever a friend is lost just because that friend ditched real friendship for something "more". Materialistic. So you hang out with people who are so "high up in the air" instead of your old usual cheery circle of understanding friends? Great choice. 

Some people are just not contented with what they have. They have friends all around them and they apparently enjoyed their accompany. Don't come and tell me in my face that you have no friends. Sorry but did I hear it quite right? 

Then look at me. I have no friends. I come to school with no one greeting me good morning while everyone is buzzing with one another. I didn't want to go for lunch not because I'm dieting or lazy to go down. Its because I have no friends to have lunch with. I go home alone. Even when I really try and initiate to ask others to go home with me, they quickly make up some excuses and sheepishly smiles at me. I'm so hurt. It feels like a thousand needles are pocking my heart.

I'm invisible. 

That doesn't matter, even the people I thought I'm close with chose to befriend other people. When you're alone, I was with you. Now you're popular, you ditch me? I'm so disappointed. Your actions betrayed your words of false promises. 

My mom told me to focus on my studies and ignore the others. But how to? Everyone's so competitive and shallow. Annoying thing is, I can't find anyone to confide with. I'm just a burden to everyone. 

I just deleted the hearts on most of those that I have added in my contacts. I treat them as a part of me. But I don't get my fair share of love. I'm so upset. I know I'm not up to standard. 

 But please, shower me with some love? 

Flower petals

茉莉花，

淡淡的清香，

茉莉花，

不凋谢的花瓣，

茉莉花，

轻轻一吹的花粉，

茉莉花，

永远凄凉的茉莉花

I sound so angst I feel like hiding my face in a hole and never come out. 

I think I'm a contradicting person. First thought will always be different from the second. The next moment I'll be pondering over what kind of response to give. Which is more suitable for this person's liking? Seems like I always end up with the wrong decision. 

I always point out the irony and sneer at other's tiny flaws when it comes to words. In the end, I'm just the same old pathetic me. I thought I had the globe in my hands turns out the globe is just a hallucination. I'm the one who contradicts and makes a fool out of myself. Me playing around with words, or so I thought. But I'm at the wits end, with you having me at your fingertips. Shaming me with your critical and harsh words. It was indirect, but I could feel the ice dripping from your words. 

Oh, if only you can handle sarcasm better honey. 

I always convince myself that no, I'm not proud at all. Yes I'm humble. I knew there was still a tinge of proudness protruding from my heart. But I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. Soon time goes by, shallow people would take in to mind that I'm a humlbe person, truth is, I'm so numb from all the self comforting that my egoness grew more than what I initially expected. My expectations became high and when people gets scores lower than me, I'll just think of it as its common. Its something that proves life is going on well. But when I get worse, I keep asking myself why, not that I'm really seeking for the truth though. 

I didn't put in much effort.

Surprisingly, some teachers spot it. They knew my inner mind better than I do. They indirectly told me about it. They smirked when they saw through my lies. 

It was obvious.

Sometimes I just feel like breaking down because I can't seem to do anything right. Studies, I put in so much effort but all I got was a big fail. People who rushed them last minute scores well. It makes me wonder what have went wrong. What could have? 

Oh just an interruption. I hear kids screaming from the void deck and police sirens. I hope its nothing serious. 

Back to the point. I just feel like my head could crack right now. I'm so confused about myself. I don't even know who I am already. I'm a monster, a monster hiding in a cave, a monster who wants to be loved, a monster who yearned to be everything it was not, a monster, a terrifying monster.

Today my dad drove me home. I was so upset about everything and everyone and I just don't know what to do. He was so concerned and I could see he was trying to cheer me up. I had no mood to. I feel so guilty. He thought its just my studies problem. Oh no its not; my mind has already went wild. 

Its already more than what you think it is.

Memories that don't fade

Its me back with another blogpost! A few days ago I was still blogging on a daily basis but kinda stopped since I was running out of inspirations and stuff to talk about. So today I'm just going to spill out my mixed feelings here. The social media isn't the safest and I guess this is the right place for me to talk about it.

I felt like breaking down and crumpling into smaller pieces and never fix myself back ever again. I read her blogpost. Apparently it was her diary in 2011. She talked about me, she talked about us and our friendship. It suddenly hit me right in the heart how much beautiful memories we had. We used to laugh at the teachers together, get depressed and sob on the floor while one of us will try to tickle the depressed ones, scream just because our favorite idols are back with new songs. Was it her who changed, or was it us? It doesn't matter now that those are just beautiful memories.

Memories that will stay till eternity.

We parted ways, we pinky promised to stay together till the end. But I guess promises are just white lies to cover up insecurities. 

Lies.

How many times have we said: I'll stay forever. How many times had we really kept that promise? It still occurred to me that everything was so blur and hazy. Mysterious even. When the warmth of my tears start to envelop my heart, it stung. 

It stung so badly.

Emotionally, or physically, I just felt like breaking a part. I was torn into pieces. I couldn't scream or cry. Was it empathy I felt or was it guilt. We never got back together. I wish we are still as close as before. I want to help her, I want to share more memories with her. Together, all of us, we can make a time machine and rewind, rewind back to the time we laughed, cried, screamed 

Together. 

I want to see you all again. Together we shall fix this, shouldn't we? hearts that couldn't be mended, hearts that were scarred with ugly and angry scratch marks. Will a simple sorry be enough? 

I'm sorry.

Asshats on the streets

People on the streets ticked me off so badly. I almost wanted to twist their necks and punch them in the face. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing today but everyone's actions today just seem to irritate me so much. I swear they're a pain in the neck. 

For example, I'm in a hurry to get through, but the person in front just takes his/her long time to stroll and take careful steps. Were they trying to be cliché and look carefree or what? I don't care whether you're slowing down to enjoy the moment of whatever the hell that made you slow down, please remember that the walkway is extremely narrow and I can't push you aside just to get through. Just walk faster omg. When you finally walk faster, the pigs could have already learnt how to fly. 

Another example, please don't smoke while walking ever so painstakingly slow. Excuse you one does not simply act all stuck up and smoke when you apparently know the smoke will be blown to the back! I'm going to die at this second hand smoke rate. Just learn how to be considerate and leave your fucking cigarette for later.

Lastly, people on the trains/bus. You don't simply just lean against the pole using your entire body. Can't you see that many people don't have support and need to hold on to the pole? Just because of your selfishness all of us had to risk loosing balances and fall. And also, if you see me already holding on to the pole, don't lean against the fucking pole because skin contact. Aren't you a least bit of embarrassed about this? No?

And teachers should stop talking a whole long passage like its a fucking talk show. Don't repeat all those stuff you've said more than 4 times. It gets so annoying I feel like bitch slapping you on the spot.

Insensitive

Some people are just insensitive and talk without thinking. What do you think your brains are for? For fanciness? For decorations? Please use them.

Or if you don't have them, its reasonable since your actions are extremely dumb and stupid.

I mean, if you really like what you enjoy, don't pretend that you don't and go: "omg why they choose me! I can't even sing though I have singing classes and is the top in my class. Ugh!" 

Just accept the fact that you are indeed talented at this area and learn to stop acting oh-so-humble. It only makes me detest you even more. 

Can you also please not say things like: "if you think you're stress, then I'm much worse!" Excuse me, you don't know any of our life stories. You don't even spent most of your time with us. Yes you might have seen yourself struggling, but have you seen us struggling as well? There's many of us out there suffering from more than just stress from all the upcoming tests. I don't care whether you're just insecure or not, but learn to accept it that you're not the only one suffering. Inconsiderate much. 

Lastly, stop this "omg I'm going to get white hair from the stress! I won't have nice hair anymore!" 

Please, half of my hair is already white since a few years back. Even if you're oblivious about the fact that some of us already have many white hair from the stress, please do not just throw a casual remark like that. Its just your ignorance at its best. Apparently you're just a 井底之蛙 who has no understanding of the world. You think the world is what you believe you see. And you seriously need to stop being so self-centered. 

Wow I'm actually ranting. Maybe its because I failed my graded assignment. I believe I did a lot of research and read the notes thoroughly for that worksheet. Yes I gave a shit about it. What do I get in return? Hard work becomes trash and all my efforts gone down to waste. No matter how much I study, it wouldn't matter anymore since I'm a failure right? 

Failure

Unwanted

Loathed

Embarrassed

Is that what you want? Embarrassing me in front of the entire class just because I had a lot of spelling errors in my homework. I was trying to stay awake while doing it at 3am. Does spelling matter? Does it tell the class any information or any points that we should take note of? I know I'm the worst in class for literature response. I know. I'm trying. Its so hard to even have the motivation to try anymore since you're just embarrassing me even more. Don't do that. Don't think that you know everything. Because you don't understand, and you never will.

Please don't make a big fuss because of that. Everyone is already guessing who wrote that stupid and illogical shit for lit response. All of you are laughing because of the spellings. I know. I'm not good at this. But please stop making me feel like a failure, or make me feel insecure. I'm already insecure enough. I'm already trying not to do anything stupid. But you're just making it worse. And, please don't laugh and make it seem like a big deal. Don't go "haahhaha so its you!" Now everyone knows I made those careless mistakes. Great. Now they're going to laugh even harder at me. Can't you see that I'm already uncomfortable and on the verge of breaking down? Stop teasing. Know when is the right time to and when is not. Be sensitive and put yourself into my shoes. Telling my ex good friend about my failure? Great. Thanks a lot. You might think I'm the strong one who takes jokes really well. But then sorry I'm not. You just make me want to hide in a hole right there and right then. Its not the first time you did it to me. Stop embarrassing me, or you'll regret it when I get my revenge.

Now my mom is scolding me. She's practically screaming in my face, threatening to hit me as she boomed. I hate it so much. I hate it when she can't understand me. All she thinks is that she's having a tiring day when all she did was housework at home. After a big blow in school, you still have to add on? Is my pain not enough? You sadistic woman. Everytime you force me to understand the meaning of filial. But when I told you that you should give me privacy and showed you a story about knocking on the door before entering, you screamed "I'm not your wife I'm your mother! I ought to have the rights to come into your room whenever I want." The point of the story is not knocking on the door before your wife says you can enter, but on this respect thing. Now you're blaming me by making up a lame excuse? Great. Now you're asking me to kneel all night and do housework for you? Great. I have my homework to do. You don't. Would you please understand me for a while? 

I just feel like dying right now. Death is a faster solution than waiting for all of you to torture me to death. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to come home. I just want to die. 

Are you all happy now? 

Weird

I feel weird and sick. 

Perhaps time would heal nothing

I have weird fantasies in my head

My mind is always spinning with thoughts

Wild thoughts

Thoughts that graces my flaws

Circling my insecurities

Covering my scars

But I bled more 

The mask is hurting me

One day she say

One day she'll be free

Dancing under the moonlight

Dancing with the daisies

Dancing with the beauty

But that was all her fantasies

Her head spun again

This time she's in the prison

Singing with the ghosts

Singing with the demons

Singing with the evil

And they indeed ate her alive

I can't take this anymore. I'm not titanium. When you care, it will be too late.

By then I'd be dead and gone.

All thats left will be my corpse

Engraved in hatred

Engraved in bruises 

Engraved in depression

Nobody could help. It was hopeless.

Phobia

Today is Monday. My monday blues are not here to knock on my door today. Instead, I feel insane, empty and hollow. Like a pipe, like a tube. Its so hard to get over my constant depression. Its so hard to always hide my pains with a mask. I have to smile and laugh everyday when I'm with my friends. I don't want them to think: "oh she's fragile." "Ew I don't want to friend her." I feel so alone. I don't want to be alone literally.

But mentally I'm already dead.

Dead. 

There is no point picking myself up anymore. I will just fall over and over again. It hurts to fall. The bruises will never heal even with time. It just makes me forget the pain. But the scars remain. 

In school, nothing could go into my mind. I hate people so much I feel like I'll just lose my mind and either kill them all or kill myself one day. I'm too dangerous. I'm hopeless.

My friends suspected nothing about my depression though I have been hinting them sometimes like I'll go "you know, sometimes I just hate life." How I wish they chose to listen to me instead of saying "oh, okay." Its sad how everyone is only there when you're all cheery and funny. But when you get pulled away by your insecurities, none of them will come for you. I always feel that people have it harder than me. I should appreciate everything I have instead of wallowing in self-pity. I'm sorry I'm not that strong. I'm imperfect.

Everyone just seem like passengers to me. I'm the bus driver. I stay with them all the time. But after they have enjoyed the ride, they see something better, their destinations. They hurriedly hop off the bus and left me alone. No matter how I will always be there for people till the end, they will always leave me. Just when they come to me again, they only wanted favors from me. I'm pathetic the way I am and I deserve it.

I'm screwing up my quizzes and tests recently and it seems that people tend to pick on me really often. I hate everyone, cause I'm sure they hate me too. The gaze in their eyes when they look at me, the actions they take when they see me. Disgust. Whenever I try to be funny, I don't feel like myself. I'm trying to look clumsy and stupid and carefree so that others could enjoy and I could at the same time, brighten up their days. But it seems that they treat my mask as real stupidity. Once again, I have to tell you I'm not stupid when I seem like I am.

"They laugh at me because of my clumsiness. I laugh even harder when they think that I'm stupid."

They take advantages of me sometimes. I feel so tired of being used and unnoticed when I'm not really catching anyone's attention. I know I'm not popular neither am I pretty or intelligent. But please, treat me the same way I treat you. It hurts so much I feel like I'm suffocating. 

I'm so tired of everything I can't even hear anything people say.

I'm so tired of pretending.

Okay this is the end of my rants today. I think I have some mental problems and need to visit professionals soon. I even want to be a psychologist, is that good or bad? I think of myself as an imperfect perfectionist.  And I guess perfectionists always have this problem. 

I just want to fade away, and vanish. See if they would care.

I doubt they would even take a glance at me.

Worst of all, they wouldn't even want to in the first place.

I'm sorry, I'm too fragile

Hi! The title sounds really cliché and angsty. But I'm really feeling extremely down recently. Why am I always the one facing all the shit and trust issues I don't want to have? Okay let me start out with my life story and I shall analyze it later :-) Pretty sure nobody would see my posts since I don't share my blogpost link anywhere and its like I'm writing a dumb letter to myself. Crazy? Yeah thats my middle name. 

Age 1-3:

I'm showered with love from my parents. They adored me so much. I was their precious little daughter. At birth, I had a pair of beautiful eyes and everyone was envious of me. They thought I'd be a beauty and someone who would be a great person in the future. As the only daughter, I received a lot of attention and I get to tour around almost all the parts in China. It was amazing. I was cheerful, or so according to my family. Life was pretty amazing at that point of time.

Age 4-6 

I started schooling. That was when my character started changing a little. When I was schooling, due to work reasons, my family had to move to different places in China and I kept changing my school. Basically I was kind of not sociable. I remember during kindergarden, I was always standing excitedly against the fence, waiting for my mom to fetch me. Sometimes I had so much fun with my friends I forgot about going home. As I grew older, about 5, I was always, always hiding and shunning myself from people. Since I was the new transfer student, I didn't know the morning routine the school did at the field. So I insisted to stay in class and play with lego as I looked out of the window watching everyone. 

I hated people since then. I hated crowds. 

I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and nobody accepted me. Until one day the teacher finally persuaded and forced me to go out and socialize with people. I made a lot of new friends and had loads of fun. I was pretty popular back then. 

Then I transferred to a new kindergarden and I made new friends! I had a really good best friend and I was kinda shy at that time. 

The leader of the popular clique (a really cool and sporty girl) was really nice to me and we hit off well. I was kind of scared to approach the popular and cool guys in my class since they're always hanging out with the principal's daughter as well as her best friend, our form teacher's daughter. I was envious of the principal and the teacher's daughter, they were kind of stuck up though. 

I remember for our graduation photo, I wanted my mom to buy a golden glittering dress for me, but we were too poor to afford it. I wore a black and white ribbon dress instead. During graduation, I saw the teacher's daughter wearing exactly the same dress I wanted. I was so jealous of her. I started loving school a bit more until I started my primary school life.

Age 7-8: 

I moved to a new primary school. My dad left for Singapore to work. I had friends, but I don't know why I grew a little bit more unsociable and stubborn. My bad temper started from then. I still had friends though. I was known as the girl who always topped the class tests with full marks etc. I was always happy when my mom rewarded me with 5 cents when I aced an exam. I loved the warmth when I snuggle against her back when she drove me to school in her old bicycle.

My mom had a few best friends in the neighborhood. They were really nice and all! I remember there was a chubby boy who lives two levels below us  who loves the chinese drama, like 京剧. And he always set up 京剧 mini figurines in his house. He had a bad temper like me and we always quarreled. There was another tomboy who lives a floor below me. I always admired her for her courage and straightforwardness. I adored her so much I always visited her. The same goes for the chubby boy.  The three of us were always together and it was pretty fun.

Then there's a girl living at the top floor. She's pretty shy, rich and cute. She loved visiting and playing with me. And I loved playing with her too. 

A block away from me there was an older boy. His family was richer than ours and sometimes I visit him. He always played and did silly things with me. He always carried me on his back   whenever we went out to play. He was hilarious, every time we got off the car he would say "can we eat now? I'm hungry." His dorkiness made me love him so much.

A few streets away there lived my mom's best friend. She liked me a lot and she has a son. Her son was really smart too. We always played together and I was very open when I'm around him. Sometimes his friends would visit him and I'd be there awkwardly watching them play. (Since I'm the only girl lol) 

Oh wow ok this is embarrassing but when we were young, we slept together on the same bed.

At primary two, I sat together with the most notorious bad boy in the school. He always bullied me and attempted to make me cry. I tried so hard to hold back my tears every single time but finally, I broke down and cried in front of the entire class. 

It was so embarrassing. 

Primary 1, I sat with a boy who's mom is my mom's friend. He was known as the guy who always complained and I hated him. Once I forgot to do two questions on the math booklet and I was rushing on the spot, hoping to get away and I shushed him, telling him to not tell the teacher about it. Oh god, he told the teacher. I was hit twice with a ruler on my palm. But then there was once a dog came in by the classroom and sat under my bench. I didn't realize until some boy started panicking and all. My desk mate was trying to tell me to stay calm and tried to help me. I didn't know whether to thank him or stuff a potato down his throat ugh. All the boys in the class came rushing towards my bench, each clutching a ruler in their hands. It was so hilarious but I was too frozen to laugh. 

I remember there was a popular male prefect in my class. He was the studious cool and gentle person whom every girl wanted to be with. I don't remember but I kind of had a crush on him? I don't know what I was thinking lol. One day our teacher randomly paired us up and made us study the new chapter with our partners. Yeah I got paired with him. I was pretty nervous back then? He was really gentle and sweet and all. We managed to finish that chapter. 

I was in the chinese dance (omfg so unbelievable) I was one of the worse dancers and the dance teacher always reprimanded me. I held a grudge against her since I hated it when people said I'm not up to standard. I went to learn a lot of other things like art (shading and painting etc) I was kinda good I guess? I got a prize for my shading once during a competition. I also learn 杨琴 for a lesson, the teacher said I'm pretty good but my mom stopped me from learning (idk why?) 

There was once incident during this time that had the most impact on me. My mom promised to buy me a barbie doll since I aced my exam once. I was so darn happy. I wanted to buy the blonde barbie with 5 outfits to change but my mom didn't bring enough money. She pointed to a green dressed black haired doll with one outfit to change and suggested me to choose that once instead. Even my friend (the guy who I was close with) recommended the black haired doll as well. He knew my mom was struggling because our finance was not really... But as immature and stubborn as I was, I started bawling and insisted to buy the blonde doll. My mom finally sighed and gave in. She owed the lady money and promise to return it the next day. Since we're like a really small town so its acceptable. I didn't catch the glimpse of sorrow when she gave the money. I hated myself so much for not knowing her situation. I'm so spoilt and insensitive. When she saw me happily playing with the doll, she was smiling. I felt great remorse because of this.

Since I was so spoilt, I guess that added to my hot temper and arrogance.

Age 8:

We moved to Singapore to stay with my dad. I missed my friends so much. I couldn't utter a word of English. My mom and I couldn't communicate with the guard outside the school I was suppose to attend until some chinese teacher came out.

It was a neighborhood school but my dad thought it was a prestigious school and was so happy when I was accepted as a primary 1 student. My tuition teacher was really nice and patient (though I failed my english test in school lol). I got into the poorer stream of students for english and I had to attend English classes in school during school (???) my english improved quite a lot as I had a really nice form teacher, a really caring tuition teacher and most of all an absolutely amazing weaker stream class teacher. I remember I spelt carrot as carot on my first spelling (rofl). 

I had two best friends. They were both really nice to me and we stuck together until one day the both of them stood against me and I started bawling my eyes out in front of the teacher who confronted me later. We became best friends again.

I had a new friend from my new chinese class and we hit off really well and most of all we went home the same way so boo yeah! We became best friends.

Age 9-10:

I started to have myopia since my eyes were always glued to the computer. I got scolded by the teacher during class cause I didn't get spectacles and asked my friends what was on the board. Seriously whats wrong with asking? I had a feeling she purposely picked on me just because I wasn't a pretty or gentle student. She's like the pedophile who loved calm and pretty students like my classmate. She also loved hilarious and popular guys who she loved to pick on to get some jokes to satisfy her thirst (???) in class. Ew disgusting, I hated her so much I wish I could pour feathers all over her freaking head during her darn wedding which would probably never happen. 

Age 11-12: 

This is when all the shit started. The three of us, best friends, were supposed to prepare ourselves for a dance competition since we always wanted to do it. We loved Girls Generation and eventually we asked a girl from another class, who was really good at dancing, to coach us. As shy as I was, I didn't become friends with the new girl but my two best friends did. Eventually I became her friend as well and we hit off really, really good.

Until one day, this new friend started telling me and my bestest friend bad things about our best friend. As fickle and ignorant as we were, we started ditching my best friend and the three of us became a clique. It became really fun until my ex best friend sent a message. I could still remember her  message. She said we were fair weather friends. It suddenly struck me that the new best friend was just feeding us with information we didn't confirm was true or not. 

My bestest friend and I shunned away from everyone immediately and started being emotional and unsociable for the entire December holidays. We felt so horrible we didn't know what to do. 

Until primary 6 came and we drifted away from each other. My best friend and I still sticked together though. We didn't want to have anymore trust issues or doubting. Too quick to judge, too quick to believe. It hurts. 

Then we finished our examinations and were ready to part ways. We promised to be friends together till the end. But it all turned out to be lies, lies and more lies. 

Age 13-14: 

I got into a really good school. I had made a lot of new awesome friends at the start of the year. I felt pretty happy because everyone were so friendly and approachable. I started to have this feeling that hey, this school is much better than my primary school. 

One day, my mood swings came. I never had them. It was so annoying. It played with my feelings and day and night I just feel that people whom I call friends just hate me secretly since I wasn't nice enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't popular enough, too sarcastic, too insensitive. I started ditching all my close friends. They forgave me every single fucking time. I didn't know I was slowly crumpling our friendship until I finally screwed up. Our friendship collapsed and they faded away, leaving me alone. That was when I started realizing I've overdone every single shit and Idon't deserve   them as my friends. I'm a failure, bound to fail and disappoint. They deserve to have better friends. 

For a period of time I thought they hated me so much so I started ranting about them. I swear I wasn't sure what I was doing at that time. Perhaps I just wanted their attention, wanted their guilt towards making me feel so insecure. Instead, this made the non existence hatred start budding. I swore when I realize what I was doing was not benefitting anyone, I wanted to die so badly.

Apologies will never be enough now. I've done too much. 

Then as I started sinking deeper into depression, I realized my health is getting worse day by day. I started sleeping at late night, thinking about crazy things such as self harming. Tears were the only thing that fed me at night. I didn't know how I was feeling. Remorse, guilt, anger, hatred. All of them. 

I tried to fix this but was too much of a coward to. I still felt hate radiating from them whenever we made eye contact. Guess that was the end. 

I told myself that I was too low class for them to accept me again. So I decided to pick myself up and make some friends. Yes I did it. I'm feeling much better now. Though I still feel alone at times, still believing that everyone secretly hates me. I try to feel secure but it seems that my trust issues wouldn't allow me to feel happy. 

Recently, my primary school best friend who promised to stick together with me ditched my messages and all. I see, she has found her new friend. I guess if she treated our friendship like trash and break it, that means the end of us. We're so fragile. Aren't we? Once we find someone better, all those promises were nothing at all. 

Bullshit. 

Wow ok so my life story ends here. I ended up feeling like a piece of crappy celery. Wonder if I will ever succeed in life like this.

I'm sad

Hi! Its approximately midnight here in my country. I know nobody checks my blog or ever reads my posts but I have to really type out my feelings here instead of Twitter because I'm probably annoying my friends, making them judge me and go "oh wow happy wallowing in self-pity bitch but nuh uh nobody's going to like you." 

I'm feeling very upset now and the problem here is, I don't even know why am I feeling like this right now. Its like broken, scared, paranoid, lost and angry. I feel broken, I feel like nobody's going to like me and even those friends of mine are just faking smiles and friendly gestures just to show the other people they're the "nice and friendly" people. I don't know, I have trust issues. I'm feeling depressed cause I've been backstabbed before when I chose to believe my friends and I've also felt guilty because I didn't believe the real friends I had and I lost them. Even though some of them are still friends with me now, I feel really guilty and we're not close like before. I wanted to save everything. Save every single friendship I've broken. I just want everything to change back to how they use to be but I know they will never be the same.

I'm alone, to be exact, I'm feeling alone. 

So I basically think ^ is my problem. I missed out so many friendship chances, I screw them up, I broke them, I do whatever to destroy them. They weren't suppose to turn out that way. And ^ is how I lost many friends. They thought I was mad at them when I'm just paranoid they feel like I'm irritating them or whatsoever. I'm so scared. I don't want this to happen ever again.

If it ever happen again, I think I'm going insane.

Insane.

School starts tomorrow and I have no fucking idea who is willing to hang out with me because they're attracted to my personality or just for the sake of attention. I really don't know, and I feel so desperate I started crying. 

It always fucking hurts like a bitch at night. I don't know what to do, I'm so fucked up and stuff. I just don't know. I feel so desperate its like nobody ever likes me. Nobody.

And the worse thing is, what happened a few months earlier, that incident, is still etched into my mind. I thought those new close friends of mine doesn't like me anymore and decided to dump me aside, and I felt so angry at them. And I thought they hated me because I always had the weirdest and scariest mood-swings when I'm with them. I feel so scared of losing them, I feel so scared of breaking them. 

I always wanted to apologize. But I don't have the guts to.

Stupid dignity.

I wanted to save this, so I thought leaving was the best solution since it seems like they didn't like me for my mood-swings and I'm always being the aggressive and selfish one. I don't know. I act like I don't care about losing this friendship but

 it still hurts like a bitch 

thinking I didn't believe that they were actually the real friends who will stay by my side. 

Jealousy hurts like a bitch

Now they have new friends and me too. Whenever I see them with new friends I'll be jealous. Why? Because I've lost such great friends and now they're with someone new. Its like you still love your ex-boyfriend though you dumped him and seeing him with a new girlfriend who will take care of him and adore him more than you will ever do hurts like a bitch.

I swear everything hurts like a bitch.

Now I just feel like whatever I do will always be an irritant in the other people's eyes. I don't know how to face people now and I hate the fact that I act like I don't care and I'm proud of being anti-social but I'm really not. Hiding the fact that I'm just lonely and desperate for some friends and pretend that I didn't mind being alone. Being alone hurts too.

Hiding behind a mask hurts like a bitch. 

It hurts how I have to act calm and cool about everything that is really bothering me deep in my heart like when people joke about my flaws but I come to a sudden realization what if they aren't joking and worse of all they're talking about the worst insecurities I've always feared for but I don't want people to think that I'm a whiny and petty bitch so I laughed it off but when they start joking about it more aggressively, not just twice, I get really depressed and sometimes don't laugh at their joke anymore.

The major problem now is that school reopens tomorrow and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt people and I don't want to get hurt. I wish someone could listen to all my worries, understand me, and most of all don't judge me and just give me a simple hug. I loved hugs honestly. They make me feel secure. And worse still, I want to try cutting these few days already. I want to but I'm holding back. 

It sucks,

And it hurts like a bitch. 

I haze you

When you step out of your house, what will greet you will be the horror of your life, lighting a spark that will sent thrills down your cold spine. Shuddering, you continued walking, before you could recognize a landmark you felt like your throat was parched. You gasped for air and felt your lungs burning with fire. It was simply unbearable. You couldn't see anything and instead, felt around with your cold bare fingers while feeling the urge to puke and die on the spot due to the disgusting smell that is simply unbearable. You continued walking and saw something, it was a signboard. As you took a closer look, you realized the signboard says: Welcome to Singapore! 

You scrunched your nose and a newspaper article magically appeared in your hands. Curiosity drove you to the limits as you squinted your eyes under the dim light, trying to decode the bold words. "Singapore haze due to Indonesia burning. Government takes immediate actions" you gasped and choked on the air. Unbearable, unbearable. How long will this last? 

Haha okay that was just this random story that happened to pop into my mind like just now :( sorry if the content seemed to encourage any offensive remarks :( But heya! Its the holidays and its super, god darn hazy outside. I'm mad? Cause it will not be this hazy next week. And guess what, next week is the end of holidays. God bless all my untouched homework then T.T 

So hey! Life's pretty good these few days and I'm getting more food heheheheheheehehehe. And yeah!!! #EXO4thWin . I guess I have nothing else to say since I'm not supposed to be using my phone right now. Will update my blog again if something interesting happens. Bye xoxo :) , 

Battle field

I clutched my forehead,
I screamed in agony,
I tore off the papers,
I cried.

This battle certainly wasn't what I asked for,
The amount of blood and tears shed wasn't what I asked for,
Tests, the worst thing ever.

Ahh, my block tests starts tomorrow T.T //silently crouches in a corner and cries// Well, so as you know, I've been flunking my subjects such as Geography since I stepped into my secondary school. And there! Tomorrow I already have two tests. I'm not even ready for this shit I swear. Damn. None of the informations and terminologies are going into my brains.

I cried,
The paper stared,
I bawled,
The paper stared,
Blank

I don't really know how to cope with this. Well in primary school, I use to be the top of the top. Every single year I get the too three. Now that I've entered a prestigious school, things don't get easy anymore. Pressure from everywhere. Tired. Sick. Angry. Solemn. Yeah thats pretty much me. I've really got no interesting stories in life to tell. My life isn't as melodramatic as the others. They have romance, love, friendship, family, careers, dreams to talk about. Me? Practically nothing. Guess I'll have to be in this way :<

Love, its something curious. Its something that makes you want to taste. Its something you've seen happening to the others. You can't wait to have your own. But what if yours is an one-sided love? Things get pretty bad. Your heart gets shattered into thousands of pieces when you see him/her with another. Smiling, just to cover up this love. I don't get it. If you wanna know how he/she feels, ask. At least you stand a chance of knowing how he/she feels about you. Is it the same heart thumping sounds? Is it the same sweaty palms? Is it the same gaze in their dark and attractive eyes? Is it the same as what your soul feels? You'll only get the answer by asking. If you don't do anything to help your pathetic state, there was no move made. Things remains pretty much the same.

If you're together, trust. Remember how you first felt around him/her? Remember how you both were madly in love with each other? Remember how the both of you do sweet things a couple does together? Think of the past. If you're quarreling over a small thing, think again. Is it worth it? You've came so far, you've come together as one, here you are easily breaking apart because of insecurity. If he/she doesn't love you, leave. Don't let any feeling linger. Don't let any hate linger. Don't. You need to put your own self into the other's shoes. All this love about is trust. If your relationship is shallow, the trust would be broken easily. It means this love is not worth protecting. Just think. And put in all your trust. If you really do.

Friends, what are they? The ones that notices your presence when they need something? The ones that will backstab you because of other benefits, the ones that are friends with you simply because you're a bridge, a connection to what he/she wants? Or one that you can spill all your feelings to, without feeling judged? Its all up to you to decide who are your real friends. Don't get angry if some people don't have replies you wanted when you converse, because it simply means both of you don't get along. Its like fire and water, you get what I mean? Yep. Friends, they are there when you need them. Friend, you are there when they need you. You do everything together. Get sad together. Get hyper together. All kinds of things just to make you feel comfortable and relaxed. Once you see a possible friendship potential, don't let it slip. Chances are rare. Grab them.

Family, they're whats gonna last forever, unlike love and friendship. The blood bond will always be there. Blood is thicker than water. No matter how much you dislike them, you'd come to a realization you loved them more than anything when something happens. Appreciate what you have, before you appreciate what you had. For me, I put family first, over friendship and love. Even if you put in a lot of love that you can't even quit, you'd never get hurt, you're a family, you're one. For love and friendship, if the bond is not strong enough, eventually it shatters and breaks. However if too much feelings is put it, you'll find yourself crying yourself to sleep, wishing everything will go back to it use to be.

Ok I'm being a life morals guru here lmao. But I'm saying what I think okay :) Oh and by the way, I deleted my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. I'll install them back after my block tests. Ugh distractions. //toss phone out of window// haha I'm being lame. Have a nice day! :)