Flower petals

茉莉花，

淡淡的清香，

茉莉花，

不凋谢的花瓣，

茉莉花，

轻轻一吹的花粉，

茉莉花，

永远凄凉的茉莉花

I sound so angst I feel like hiding my face in a hole and never come out. 

I think I'm a contradicting person. First thought will always be different from the second. The next moment I'll be pondering over what kind of response to give. Which is more suitable for this person's liking? Seems like I always end up with the wrong decision. 

I always point out the irony and sneer at other's tiny flaws when it comes to words. In the end, I'm just the same old pathetic me. I thought I had the globe in my hands turns out the globe is just a hallucination. I'm the one who contradicts and makes a fool out of myself. Me playing around with words, or so I thought. But I'm at the wits end, with you having me at your fingertips. Shaming me with your critical and harsh words. It was indirect, but I could feel the ice dripping from your words. 

Oh, if only you can handle sarcasm better honey. 

I always convince myself that no, I'm not proud at all. Yes I'm humble. I knew there was still a tinge of proudness protruding from my heart. But I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. Soon time goes by, shallow people would take in to mind that I'm a humlbe person, truth is, I'm so numb from all the self comforting that my egoness grew more than what I initially expected. My expectations became high and when people gets scores lower than me, I'll just think of it as its common. Its something that proves life is going on well. But when I get worse, I keep asking myself why, not that I'm really seeking for the truth though. 

I didn't put in much effort.

Surprisingly, some teachers spot it. They knew my inner mind better than I do. They indirectly told me about it. They smirked when they saw through my lies. 

It was obvious.

Sometimes I just feel like breaking down because I can't seem to do anything right. Studies, I put in so much effort but all I got was a big fail. People who rushed them last minute scores well. It makes me wonder what have went wrong. What could have? 

Oh just an interruption. I hear kids screaming from the void deck and police sirens. I hope its nothing serious. 

Back to the point. I just feel like my head could crack right now. I'm so confused about myself. I don't even know who I am already. I'm a monster, a monster hiding in a cave, a monster who wants to be loved, a monster who yearned to be everything it was not, a monster, a terrifying monster.

Today my dad drove me home. I was so upset about everything and everyone and I just don't know what to do. He was so concerned and I could see he was trying to cheer me up. I had no mood to. I feel so guilty. He thought its just my studies problem. Oh no its not; my mind has already went wild. 

Its already more than what you think it is.