Phobia

Today is Monday. My monday blues are not here to knock on my door today. Instead, I feel insane, empty and hollow. Like a pipe, like a tube. Its so hard to get over my constant depression. Its so hard to always hide my pains with a mask. I have to smile and laugh everyday when I'm with my friends. I don't want them to think: "oh she's fragile." "Ew I don't want to friend her." I feel so alone. I don't want to be alone literally.

But mentally I'm already dead.

Dead. 

There is no point picking myself up anymore. I will just fall over and over again. It hurts to fall. The bruises will never heal even with time. It just makes me forget the pain. But the scars remain. 

In school, nothing could go into my mind. I hate people so much I feel like I'll just lose my mind and either kill them all or kill myself one day. I'm too dangerous. I'm hopeless.

My friends suspected nothing about my depression though I have been hinting them sometimes like I'll go "you know, sometimes I just hate life." How I wish they chose to listen to me instead of saying "oh, okay." Its sad how everyone is only there when you're all cheery and funny. But when you get pulled away by your insecurities, none of them will come for you. I always feel that people have it harder than me. I should appreciate everything I have instead of wallowing in self-pity. I'm sorry I'm not that strong. I'm imperfect.

Everyone just seem like passengers to me. I'm the bus driver. I stay with them all the time. But after they have enjoyed the ride, they see something better, their destinations. They hurriedly hop off the bus and left me alone. No matter how I will always be there for people till the end, they will always leave me. Just when they come to me again, they only wanted favors from me. I'm pathetic the way I am and I deserve it.

I'm screwing up my quizzes and tests recently and it seems that people tend to pick on me really often. I hate everyone, cause I'm sure they hate me too. The gaze in their eyes when they look at me, the actions they take when they see me. Disgust. Whenever I try to be funny, I don't feel like myself. I'm trying to look clumsy and stupid and carefree so that others could enjoy and I could at the same time, brighten up their days. But it seems that they treat my mask as real stupidity. Once again, I have to tell you I'm not stupid when I seem like I am.

"They laugh at me because of my clumsiness. I laugh even harder when they think that I'm stupid."

They take advantages of me sometimes. I feel so tired of being used and unnoticed when I'm not really catching anyone's attention. I know I'm not popular neither am I pretty or intelligent. But please, treat me the same way I treat you. It hurts so much I feel like I'm suffocating. 

I'm so tired of everything I can't even hear anything people say.

I'm so tired of pretending.

Okay this is the end of my rants today. I think I have some mental problems and need to visit professionals soon. I even want to be a psychologist, is that good or bad? I think of myself as an imperfect perfectionist.  And I guess perfectionists always have this problem. 

I just want to fade away, and vanish. See if they would care.

I doubt they would even take a glance at me.

Worst of all, they wouldn't even want to in the first place.