Flower petals

茉莉花，

淡淡的清香，

茉莉花，

不凋谢的花瓣，

茉莉花，

轻轻一吹的花粉，

茉莉花，

永远凄凉的茉莉花

I sound so angst I feel like hiding my face in a hole and never come out. 

I think I'm a contradicting person. First thought will always be different from the second. The next moment I'll be pondering over what kind of response to give. Which is more suitable for this person's liking? Seems like I always end up with the wrong decision. 

I always point out the irony and sneer at other's tiny flaws when it comes to words. In the end, I'm just the same old pathetic me. I thought I had the globe in my hands turns out the globe is just a hallucination. I'm the one who contradicts and makes a fool out of myself. Me playing around with words, or so I thought. But I'm at the wits end, with you having me at your fingertips. Shaming me with your critical and harsh words. It was indirect, but I could feel the ice dripping from your words. 

Oh, if only you can handle sarcasm better honey. 

I always convince myself that no, I'm not proud at all. Yes I'm humble. I knew there was still a tinge of proudness protruding from my heart. But I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. Soon time goes by, shallow people would take in to mind that I'm a humlbe person, truth is, I'm so numb from all the self comforting that my egoness grew more than what I initially expected. My expectations became high and when people gets scores lower than me, I'll just think of it as its common. Its something that proves life is going on well. But when I get worse, I keep asking myself why, not that I'm really seeking for the truth though. 

I didn't put in much effort.

Surprisingly, some teachers spot it. They knew my inner mind better than I do. They indirectly told me about it. They smirked when they saw through my lies. 

It was obvious.

Sometimes I just feel like breaking down because I can't seem to do anything right. Studies, I put in so much effort but all I got was a big fail. People who rushed them last minute scores well. It makes me wonder what have went wrong. What could have? 

Oh just an interruption. I hear kids screaming from the void deck and police sirens. I hope its nothing serious. 

Back to the point. I just feel like my head could crack right now. I'm so confused about myself. I don't even know who I am already. I'm a monster, a monster hiding in a cave, a monster who wants to be loved, a monster who yearned to be everything it was not, a monster, a terrifying monster.

Today my dad drove me home. I was so upset about everything and everyone and I just don't know what to do. He was so concerned and I could see he was trying to cheer me up. I had no mood to. I feel so guilty. He thought its just my studies problem. Oh no its not; my mind has already went wild. 

Its already more than what you think it is.

Memories that don't fade

Its me back with another blogpost! A few days ago I was still blogging on a daily basis but kinda stopped since I was running out of inspirations and stuff to talk about. So today I'm just going to spill out my mixed feelings here. The social media isn't the safest and I guess this is the right place for me to talk about it.

I felt like breaking down and crumpling into smaller pieces and never fix myself back ever again. I read her blogpost. Apparently it was her diary in 2011. She talked about me, she talked about us and our friendship. It suddenly hit me right in the heart how much beautiful memories we had. We used to laugh at the teachers together, get depressed and sob on the floor while one of us will try to tickle the depressed ones, scream just because our favorite idols are back with new songs. Was it her who changed, or was it us? It doesn't matter now that those are just beautiful memories.

Memories that will stay till eternity.

We parted ways, we pinky promised to stay together till the end. But I guess promises are just white lies to cover up insecurities. 

Lies.

How many times have we said: I'll stay forever. How many times had we really kept that promise? It still occurred to me that everything was so blur and hazy. Mysterious even. When the warmth of my tears start to envelop my heart, it stung. 

It stung so badly.

Emotionally, or physically, I just felt like breaking a part. I was torn into pieces. I couldn't scream or cry. Was it empathy I felt or was it guilt. We never got back together. I wish we are still as close as before. I want to help her, I want to share more memories with her. Together, all of us, we can make a time machine and rewind, rewind back to the time we laughed, cried, screamed 

Together. 

I want to see you all again. Together we shall fix this, shouldn't we? hearts that couldn't be mended, hearts that were scarred with ugly and angry scratch marks. Will a simple sorry be enough? 

I'm sorry.

Asshats on the streets

People on the streets ticked me off so badly. I almost wanted to twist their necks and punch them in the face. Maybe I'm just PMS-ing today but everyone's actions today just seem to irritate me so much. I swear they're a pain in the neck. 

For example, I'm in a hurry to get through, but the person in front just takes his/her long time to stroll and take careful steps. Were they trying to be cliché and look carefree or what? I don't care whether you're slowing down to enjoy the moment of whatever the hell that made you slow down, please remember that the walkway is extremely narrow and I can't push you aside just to get through. Just walk faster omg. When you finally walk faster, the pigs could have already learnt how to fly. 

Another example, please don't smoke while walking ever so painstakingly slow. Excuse you one does not simply act all stuck up and smoke when you apparently know the smoke will be blown to the back! I'm going to die at this second hand smoke rate. Just learn how to be considerate and leave your fucking cigarette for later.

Lastly, people on the trains/bus. You don't simply just lean against the pole using your entire body. Can't you see that many people don't have support and need to hold on to the pole? Just because of your selfishness all of us had to risk loosing balances and fall. And also, if you see me already holding on to the pole, don't lean against the fucking pole because skin contact. Aren't you a least bit of embarrassed about this? No?

And teachers should stop talking a whole long passage like its a fucking talk show. Don't repeat all those stuff you've said more than 4 times. It gets so annoying I feel like bitch slapping you on the spot.

Insensitive

Some people are just insensitive and talk without thinking. What do you think your brains are for? For fanciness? For decorations? Please use them.

Or if you don't have them, its reasonable since your actions are extremely dumb and stupid.

I mean, if you really like what you enjoy, don't pretend that you don't and go: "omg why they choose me! I can't even sing though I have singing classes and is the top in my class. Ugh!" 

Just accept the fact that you are indeed talented at this area and learn to stop acting oh-so-humble. It only makes me detest you even more. 

Can you also please not say things like: "if you think you're stress, then I'm much worse!" Excuse me, you don't know any of our life stories. You don't even spent most of your time with us. Yes you might have seen yourself struggling, but have you seen us struggling as well? There's many of us out there suffering from more than just stress from all the upcoming tests. I don't care whether you're just insecure or not, but learn to accept it that you're not the only one suffering. Inconsiderate much. 

Lastly, stop this "omg I'm going to get white hair from the stress! I won't have nice hair anymore!" 

Please, half of my hair is already white since a few years back. Even if you're oblivious about the fact that some of us already have many white hair from the stress, please do not just throw a casual remark like that. Its just your ignorance at its best. Apparently you're just a 井底之蛙 who has no understanding of the world. You think the world is what you believe you see. And you seriously need to stop being so self-centered. 

Wow I'm actually ranting. Maybe its because I failed my graded assignment. I believe I did a lot of research and read the notes thoroughly for that worksheet. Yes I gave a shit about it. What do I get in return? Hard work becomes trash and all my efforts gone down to waste. No matter how much I study, it wouldn't matter anymore since I'm a failure right? 

Failure

Unwanted

Loathed

Embarrassed

Is that what you want? Embarrassing me in front of the entire class just because I had a lot of spelling errors in my homework. I was trying to stay awake while doing it at 3am. Does spelling matter? Does it tell the class any information or any points that we should take note of? I know I'm the worst in class for literature response. I know. I'm trying. Its so hard to even have the motivation to try anymore since you're just embarrassing me even more. Don't do that. Don't think that you know everything. Because you don't understand, and you never will.

Please don't make a big fuss because of that. Everyone is already guessing who wrote that stupid and illogical shit for lit response. All of you are laughing because of the spellings. I know. I'm not good at this. But please stop making me feel like a failure, or make me feel insecure. I'm already insecure enough. I'm already trying not to do anything stupid. But you're just making it worse. And, please don't laugh and make it seem like a big deal. Don't go "haahhaha so its you!" Now everyone knows I made those careless mistakes. Great. Now they're going to laugh even harder at me. Can't you see that I'm already uncomfortable and on the verge of breaking down? Stop teasing. Know when is the right time to and when is not. Be sensitive and put yourself into my shoes. Telling my ex good friend about my failure? Great. Thanks a lot. You might think I'm the strong one who takes jokes really well. But then sorry I'm not. You just make me want to hide in a hole right there and right then. Its not the first time you did it to me. Stop embarrassing me, or you'll regret it when I get my revenge.

Now my mom is scolding me. She's practically screaming in my face, threatening to hit me as she boomed. I hate it so much. I hate it when she can't understand me. All she thinks is that she's having a tiring day when all she did was housework at home. After a big blow in school, you still have to add on? Is my pain not enough? You sadistic woman. Everytime you force me to understand the meaning of filial. But when I told you that you should give me privacy and showed you a story about knocking on the door before entering, you screamed "I'm not your wife I'm your mother! I ought to have the rights to come into your room whenever I want." The point of the story is not knocking on the door before your wife says you can enter, but on this respect thing. Now you're blaming me by making up a lame excuse? Great. Now you're asking me to kneel all night and do housework for you? Great. I have my homework to do. You don't. Would you please understand me for a while? 

I just feel like dying right now. Death is a faster solution than waiting for all of you to torture me to death. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to come home. I just want to die. 

Are you all happy now? 

Weird

I feel weird and sick. 

Perhaps time would heal nothing

I have weird fantasies in my head

My mind is always spinning with thoughts

Wild thoughts

Thoughts that graces my flaws

Circling my insecurities

Covering my scars

But I bled more 

The mask is hurting me

One day she say

One day she'll be free

Dancing under the moonlight

Dancing with the daisies

Dancing with the beauty

But that was all her fantasies

Her head spun again

This time she's in the prison

Singing with the ghosts

Singing with the demons

Singing with the evil

And they indeed ate her alive

I can't take this anymore. I'm not titanium. When you care, it will be too late.

By then I'd be dead and gone.

All thats left will be my corpse

Engraved in hatred

Engraved in bruises 

Engraved in depression

Nobody could help. It was hopeless.

Phobia

Today is Monday. My monday blues are not here to knock on my door today. Instead, I feel insane, empty and hollow. Like a pipe, like a tube. Its so hard to get over my constant depression. Its so hard to always hide my pains with a mask. I have to smile and laugh everyday when I'm with my friends. I don't want them to think: "oh she's fragile." "Ew I don't want to friend her." I feel so alone. I don't want to be alone literally.

But mentally I'm already dead.

Dead. 

There is no point picking myself up anymore. I will just fall over and over again. It hurts to fall. The bruises will never heal even with time. It just makes me forget the pain. But the scars remain. 

In school, nothing could go into my mind. I hate people so much I feel like I'll just lose my mind and either kill them all or kill myself one day. I'm too dangerous. I'm hopeless.

My friends suspected nothing about my depression though I have been hinting them sometimes like I'll go "you know, sometimes I just hate life." How I wish they chose to listen to me instead of saying "oh, okay." Its sad how everyone is only there when you're all cheery and funny. But when you get pulled away by your insecurities, none of them will come for you. I always feel that people have it harder than me. I should appreciate everything I have instead of wallowing in self-pity. I'm sorry I'm not that strong. I'm imperfect.

Everyone just seem like passengers to me. I'm the bus driver. I stay with them all the time. But after they have enjoyed the ride, they see something better, their destinations. They hurriedly hop off the bus and left me alone. No matter how I will always be there for people till the end, they will always leave me. Just when they come to me again, they only wanted favors from me. I'm pathetic the way I am and I deserve it.

I'm screwing up my quizzes and tests recently and it seems that people tend to pick on me really often. I hate everyone, cause I'm sure they hate me too. The gaze in their eyes when they look at me, the actions they take when they see me. Disgust. Whenever I try to be funny, I don't feel like myself. I'm trying to look clumsy and stupid and carefree so that others could enjoy and I could at the same time, brighten up their days. But it seems that they treat my mask as real stupidity. Once again, I have to tell you I'm not stupid when I seem like I am.

"They laugh at me because of my clumsiness. I laugh even harder when they think that I'm stupid."

They take advantages of me sometimes. I feel so tired of being used and unnoticed when I'm not really catching anyone's attention. I know I'm not popular neither am I pretty or intelligent. But please, treat me the same way I treat you. It hurts so much I feel like I'm suffocating. 

I'm so tired of everything I can't even hear anything people say.

I'm so tired of pretending.

Okay this is the end of my rants today. I think I have some mental problems and need to visit professionals soon. I even want to be a psychologist, is that good or bad? I think of myself as an imperfect perfectionist.  And I guess perfectionists always have this problem. 

I just want to fade away, and vanish. See if they would care.

I doubt they would even take a glance at me.

Worst of all, they wouldn't even want to in the first place.