Hi! The title sounds really cliché and angsty. But I'm really feeling extremely down recently. Why am I always the one facing all the shit and trust issues I don't want to have? Okay let me start out with my life story and I shall analyze it later :-) Pretty sure nobody would see my posts since I don't share my blogpost link anywhere and its like I'm writing a dumb letter to myself. Crazy? Yeah thats my middle name.
Age 1-3:
I'm showered with love from my parents. They adored me so much. I was their precious little daughter. At birth, I had a pair of beautiful eyes and everyone was envious of me. They thought I'd be a beauty and someone who would be a great person in the future. As the only daughter, I received a lot of attention and I get to tour around almost all the parts in China. It was amazing. I was cheerful, or so according to my family. Life was pretty amazing at that point of time.
Age 4-6
I started schooling. That was when my character started changing a little. When I was schooling, due to work reasons, my family had to move to different places in China and I kept changing my school. Basically I was kind of not sociable. I remember during kindergarden, I was always standing excitedly against the fence, waiting for my mom to fetch me. Sometimes I had so much fun with my friends I forgot about going home. As I grew older, about 5, I was always, always hiding and shunning myself from people. Since I was the new transfer student, I didn't know the morning routine the school did at the field. So I insisted to stay in class and play with lego as I looked out of the window watching everyone.
I hated people since then. I hated crowds.
I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and nobody accepted me. Until one day the teacher finally persuaded and forced me to go out and socialize with people. I made a lot of new friends and had loads of fun. I was pretty popular back then.
Then I transferred to a new kindergarden and I made new friends! I had a really good best friend and I was kinda shy at that time.
The leader of the popular clique (a really cool and sporty girl) was really nice to me and we hit off well. I was kind of scared to approach the popular and cool guys in my class since they're always hanging out with the principal's daughter as well as her best friend, our form teacher's daughter. I was envious of the principal and the teacher's daughter, they were kind of stuck up though.
I remember for our graduation photo, I wanted my mom to buy a golden glittering dress for me, but we were too poor to afford it. I wore a black and white ribbon dress instead. During graduation, I saw the teacher's daughter wearing exactly the same dress I wanted. I was so jealous of her. I started loving school a bit more until I started my primary school life.
Age 7-8:
I moved to a new primary school. My dad left for Singapore to work. I had friends, but I don't know why I grew a little bit more unsociable and stubborn. My bad temper started from then. I still had friends though. I was known as the girl who always topped the class tests with full marks etc. I was always happy when my mom rewarded me with 5 cents when I aced an exam. I loved the warmth when I snuggle against her back when she drove me to school in her old bicycle.
My mom had a few best friends in the neighborhood. They were really nice and all! I remember there was a chubby boy who lives two levels below us who loves the chinese drama, like 京剧. And he always set up 京剧 mini figurines in his house. He had a bad temper like me and we always quarreled. There was another tomboy who lives a floor below me. I always admired her for her courage and straightforwardness. I adored her so much I always visited her. The same goes for the chubby boy. The three of us were always together and it was pretty fun.
Then there's a girl living at the top floor. She's pretty shy, rich and cute. She loved visiting and playing with me. And I loved playing with her too.
A block away from me there was an older boy. His family was richer than ours and sometimes I visit him. He always played and did silly things with me. He always carried me on his back whenever we went out to play. He was hilarious, every time we got off the car he would say "can we eat now? I'm hungry." His dorkiness made me love him so much.
A few streets away there lived my mom's best friend. She liked me a lot and she has a son. Her son was really smart too. We always played together and I was very open when I'm around him. Sometimes his friends would visit him and I'd be there awkwardly watching them play. (Since I'm the only girl lol)
Oh wow ok this is embarrassing but when we were young, we slept together on the same bed.
At primary two, I sat together with the most notorious bad boy in the school. He always bullied me and attempted to make me cry. I tried so hard to hold back my tears every single time but finally, I broke down and cried in front of the entire class.
It was so embarrassing.
Primary 1, I sat with a boy who's mom is my mom's friend. He was known as the guy who always complained and I hated him. Once I forgot to do two questions on the math booklet and I was rushing on the spot, hoping to get away and I shushed him, telling him to not tell the teacher about it. Oh god, he told the teacher. I was hit twice with a ruler on my palm. But then there was once a dog came in by the classroom and sat under my bench. I didn't realize until some boy started panicking and all. My desk mate was trying to tell me to stay calm and tried to help me. I didn't know whether to thank him or stuff a potato down his throat ugh. All the boys in the class came rushing towards my bench, each clutching a ruler in their hands. It was so hilarious but I was too frozen to laugh.
I remember there was a popular male prefect in my class. He was the studious cool and gentle person whom every girl wanted to be with. I don't remember but I kind of had a crush on him? I don't know what I was thinking lol. One day our teacher randomly paired us up and made us study the new chapter with our partners. Yeah I got paired with him. I was pretty nervous back then? He was really gentle and sweet and all. We managed to finish that chapter.
I was in the chinese dance (omfg so unbelievable) I was one of the worse dancers and the dance teacher always reprimanded me. I held a grudge against her since I hated it when people said I'm not up to standard. I went to learn a lot of other things like art (shading and painting etc) I was kinda good I guess? I got a prize for my shading once during a competition. I also learn 杨琴 for a lesson, the teacher said I'm pretty good but my mom stopped me from learning (idk why?)
There was once incident during this time that had the most impact on me. My mom promised to buy me a barbie doll since I aced my exam once. I was so darn happy. I wanted to buy the blonde barbie with 5 outfits to change but my mom didn't bring enough money. She pointed to a green dressed black haired doll with one outfit to change and suggested me to choose that once instead. Even my friend (the guy who I was close with) recommended the black haired doll as well. He knew my mom was struggling because our finance was not really... But as immature and stubborn as I was, I started bawling and insisted to buy the blonde doll. My mom finally sighed and gave in. She owed the lady money and promise to return it the next day. Since we're like a really small town so its acceptable. I didn't catch the glimpse of sorrow when she gave the money. I hated myself so much for not knowing her situation. I'm so spoilt and insensitive. When she saw me happily playing with the doll, she was smiling. I felt great remorse because of this.
Since I was so spoilt, I guess that added to my hot temper and arrogance.
Age 8:
We moved to Singapore to stay with my dad. I missed my friends so much. I couldn't utter a word of English. My mom and I couldn't communicate with the guard outside the school I was suppose to attend until some chinese teacher came out.
It was a neighborhood school but my dad thought it was a prestigious school and was so happy when I was accepted as a primary 1 student. My tuition teacher was really nice and patient (though I failed my english test in school lol). I got into the poorer stream of students for english and I had to attend English classes in school during school (???) my english improved quite a lot as I had a really nice form teacher, a really caring tuition teacher and most of all an absolutely amazing weaker stream class teacher. I remember I spelt carrot as carot on my first spelling (rofl).
I had two best friends. They were both really nice to me and we stuck together until one day the both of them stood against me and I started bawling my eyes out in front of the teacher who confronted me later. We became best friends again.
I had a new friend from my new chinese class and we hit off really well and most of all we went home the same way so boo yeah! We became best friends.
Age 9-10:
I started to have myopia since my eyes were always glued to the computer. I got scolded by the teacher during class cause I didn't get spectacles and asked my friends what was on the board. Seriously whats wrong with asking? I had a feeling she purposely picked on me just because I wasn't a pretty or gentle student. She's like the pedophile who loved calm and pretty students like my classmate. She also loved hilarious and popular guys who she loved to pick on to get some jokes to satisfy her thirst (???) in class. Ew disgusting, I hated her so much I wish I could pour feathers all over her freaking head during her darn wedding which would probably never happen.
Age 11-12:
This is when all the shit started. The three of us, best friends, were supposed to prepare ourselves for a dance competition since we always wanted to do it. We loved Girls Generation and eventually we asked a girl from another class, who was really good at dancing, to coach us. As shy as I was, I didn't become friends with the new girl but my two best friends did. Eventually I became her friend as well and we hit off really, really good.
Until one day, this new friend started telling me and my bestest friend bad things about our best friend. As fickle and ignorant as we were, we started ditching my best friend and the three of us became a clique. It became really fun until my ex best friend sent a message. I could still remember her message. She said we were fair weather friends. It suddenly struck me that the new best friend was just feeding us with information we didn't confirm was true or not.
My bestest friend and I shunned away from everyone immediately and started being emotional and unsociable for the entire December holidays. We felt so horrible we didn't know what to do.
Until primary 6 came and we drifted away from each other. My best friend and I still sticked together though. We didn't want to have anymore trust issues or doubting. Too quick to judge, too quick to believe. It hurts.
Then we finished our examinations and were ready to part ways. We promised to be friends together till the end. But it all turned out to be lies, lies and more lies.
Age 13-14:
I got into a really good school. I had made a lot of new awesome friends at the start of the year. I felt pretty happy because everyone were so friendly and approachable. I started to have this feeling that hey, this school is much better than my primary school.
One day, my mood swings came. I never had them. It was so annoying. It played with my feelings and day and night I just feel that people whom I call friends just hate me secretly since I wasn't nice enough, wasn't pretty enough, wasn't popular enough, too sarcastic, too insensitive. I started ditching all my close friends. They forgave me every single fucking time. I didn't know I was slowly crumpling our friendship until I finally screwed up. Our friendship collapsed and they faded away, leaving me alone. That was when I started realizing I've overdone every single shit and Idon't deserve them as my friends. I'm a failure, bound to fail and disappoint. They deserve to have better friends.
For a period of time I thought they hated me so much so I started ranting about them. I swear I wasn't sure what I was doing at that time. Perhaps I just wanted their attention, wanted their guilt towards making me feel so insecure. Instead, this made the non existence hatred start budding. I swore when I realize what I was doing was not benefitting anyone, I wanted to die so badly.
Apologies will never be enough now. I've done too much.
Then as I started sinking deeper into depression, I realized my health is getting worse day by day. I started sleeping at late night, thinking about crazy things such as self harming. Tears were the only thing that fed me at night. I didn't know how I was feeling. Remorse, guilt, anger, hatred. All of them.
I tried to fix this but was too much of a coward to. I still felt hate radiating from them whenever we made eye contact. Guess that was the end.
I told myself that I was too low class for them to accept me again. So I decided to pick myself up and make some friends. Yes I did it. I'm feeling much better now. Though I still feel alone at times, still believing that everyone secretly hates me. I try to feel secure but it seems that my trust issues wouldn't allow me to feel happy.
Recently, my primary school best friend who promised to stick together with me ditched my messages and all. I see, she has found her new friend. I guess if she treated our friendship like trash and break it, that means the end of us. We're so fragile. Aren't we? Once we find someone better, all those promises were nothing at all.
Bullshit.
Wow ok so my life story ends here. I ended up feeling like a piece of crappy celery. Wonder if I will ever succeed in life like this.
