A little gloom

It has been quite a time since I blogged about anything so now I'm back, not for a good reason though. Recently I've been feeling very down about everything that I do. I don't like school, well I knew I've never liked it but recently it has became such a pest and I feel lethargic all the time in school. Even the usual things that made me happy somehow became burdens to me, while I'm shouldering all of those unwanted feelings all by myself, it's not a very pleasant feeling.

I find myself losing interest in my hobbies, such as drawing. I've always been happy and excited about holding a simple 2B pencil and doodling away whatever comes into my mind onto a piece of random paper. I drew away my sorrows, I drew away my doubts. I've always been convincing myself that I was improving in this aspect but recently I find myself getting angered and irritated by whatever I drew. Nothing looked right in my eyes, honestly. The proportions of people were wrong, I couldn't draw hands, arms, legs, faces. I even find that my old drawings were much better than now, and it is utterly depressing. I teared papers into shreds and get frustrated, dumping all of them into trash cans until I realise they're filled up till the bim. I feel devastated, I feel lost, I don't know what to do and I just feel like a total failure not being able to accomplish the simplest thing I was expected to do. 

Activities are pilling up, homeworks and assignments come crashing one after another, quizzes are endless and lessons bored me till death. I feel like dozing off in class, and I often couldn't wake up from the rewarding tiny naps I take. A day feels like a year, and even my friends feel like they're suffocating me. I want to abstain from any socialisation and calm myself for a period of time. Because I don't want to continue crying days after days without knowing why, and instilling the mindset that I can't achieve anything with my abilities. I am devastated. I can't breathe. I am lost. And I want to find myself again. 

Anew

After 8 months without blogging, I've decided to return to this solemn filled space. Not that I'm getting depressed like the past, but I guess I'm slowly getting used to everything and adapting to changes and people. Never really thought that a person could live in pure bliss and ignorance, without an experience of sadness that could have threatened to explode their veins and rushing through their blood. I have finally believed to accept it, instead of fighting it. After all, no one is able to escape from this cage of swirling emotions, that could have possibly burried us alive.

Life was stable and slow, in a sense that I (thought) have let go of past friendships that really held a special place in my heart. However, deep down I know if they would do something to savage it, I would have turned back in a split second. Unfortunately, I was always too cowardly and probably I'm the only one who has still clung onto that thin and light straw of hope. The pace is slow, but sometimes emotions hit me like a truck along a highway. I don't want to fight it vigorously like the past, it has already become a part of me. I don't struggle, because there is no point resisting what will last for an eternity, to everyone. However, I believed I have gained many meaningful  experiences that have filled in some of my life puzzles. I have to admit I still haven't opened up to anyone yet and possibly never will but that's okay because it doesn't matter already. I just have to focus on improving myself and becoming a person I've always strived to be. I'm slowly progressing and getting rid of my joker mask but it seems like I'm just becoming a more introverted and quiet person. 

Next year will be a whole new year, total new experience and environment. My goal is to have a simpler life but still persevere to achieve whatever I want. I want to become braver, more understanding, procrastinate less and do things I want without hesitation. Today is the last day of us being in the same class. Even though some people do piss me off a lot but I still sincerely wish everyone the best because this two years of memories have already slowly etched themselves into my heart. I have to say I'm grateful to everyone, for making me grow as a person, and weirdly, making me actually understand that everyone has a inner side of themselves we will never be able to uncover. 

我还是觉得交朋友需要将心比心，己所不欲勿施于人。如果我能真正成为一个有修养的人，那我真的会为自己感到庆幸与欣慰。毕竟我和体内的恶魔已经大都多年，当我回首的时候，那些黯然的陈年往事竟然还阵阵地刺痛我的心。我要挑战我的极限，不仅为家人朋友奋斗、更是要给自己一个交代。

向前冲刺吧，无畏的小孩！

Its not worth anymore

Venting out on this blog was my hobby but now it seems like this blog isn't needed anymore. Just when I think that I'm fully ready to abandon this solemn place that are filled with my corrupted and selfish thoughts, things started falling out of place again; and I don't know what to do anymore. Where do I even belong?

I'm tired of having this hectic life that is heading towards absolutely nowhere. You can ask me what I'm doing everyday, and I can't even give a proper answer. What have I been doing? Meaningless things that I'm destined to fail at, thats what. I'm too much of a coward, to do what I like. If I fail at what I like, isn't it disgraceful? 

I hate it when people tell me life has its ups and downs. If thats the case, why do I only have the negative sides of life? What have I done to deserve all these? I may not be the one who pays the most attention in class, the one who works the hardest, the one who has a heart that matches Mother Teresa's, but what have I done to receive all these tortures mentally? 

People are complaining about trivial things that I would have ignored and not even take notice of that. It doesn't mean that I'm not pampered like them, I am. I just feel fucked up inside and I don't think that has got to do with my environment right now, since what has been bugging me, is myself.

I hate myself, I don't doubt that. I'm such a contradicting person sometimes my thoughts will fight with one another. Do I follow instinctively or follow what the society deems to be right? I don't even know anymore, I can't find myself, I'm lost. I tell myself everything will be alright, but they only seem to get worse, my thoughts.

I tell myself that being bad at certain subjects did not mean I was a failure, being socially-awkward and an introvert isn't what defines me, disappointing everyone who has placed hopes in me did not matter. I told myself to be selfish so many times, but I just have to be selfish at the wrong times. 

Conversations, I'm sick of them.

"I've only gotten a seven out of ten this time, I feel like a failure." You guys would always complain about this. 

I didn't know if I really didn't care, or that I was just too numb by the amount of pain I'm receiving from those thoughtless remarks that are like venom to me.

"I got a two," I would say, without a trace of bitterness. "Cheer up." 

Thats what I told everyone. I'm such a hypocrite, I can't even cheer up when I tell others to do so. 

"But my standard is different from yours," the words turned into spikes, sharp and cold ones. "I'm expected to get high grades."

I would laugh it off, from the look of disappointment on your face, I know you hated to obtain that score. But it wasn't entirely necessary to say it in front of me, right? Or was hurting me your intention? Well, then your goal has been reached, congratulations. 

"I love you, please continue to be my friend." Selfish, mindless remarks from people, irks me to the core. It even makes me loathe myself even more. 

I would say "of course." but deep inside, I'm cursing you. How all you wanted was not my accompany, but solely for the attention that I will be giving you if I treated you like an important person. I know, I'm creating double standards because my, myself, have evil thoughts like this too.

What if I succeed, and the limelight is on me? It would be great, isn't it?

Those aspirations soon minimized to one that wishes for me to have a place in the society. I can be forgotten, but I don't want to forget about myself. For at that time, I have already lost the battle, my own battle. Left with a pathetic corpse, no one will remember me.

Honestly, I just want to love myself. Why was it so hard? I couldn't figure out why. I might be pure greedy, wanting more and more. But when I stopped and set a goal for me, I couldn't reach it no matter what. I've paid more attention in class than people who played and got distracted. So why was it that they're getting higher grades?

I can only jump to one conclusion, I'm a failure. 

No matter what a failure does, its insignificant because failures don't matter. In the end, its the winners that win.

To my hero

Happy birthday Wu Yifan. It has been approximately a year + since your existence became noticeable to me. Its your birthday, and I hope you're having a great time! :) (now and the future) 

When I started liking EXO, my bias wasn't you. My bias was only based on who's looks caught my attention first. Until about a month later, I was totally mesmerized by you. It was a shallow kind of like, its like, a normal fan like. I check updates sometimes, watch your interviews sometimes, smile over your new airport pictures. I never thought I'd actually be that into an idol, moreover, an idol like you. 

You were tall and blonde back then. With a cold and charismatic aura around you. I've always liked how you present yourself, like a cold statue. That was a shallow kind of like, how I like your image because you're my kind of idol that I would stan. You look so beautifully craved, like a masterpiece made by god. I admired you, admired how you can speak so many languages, rap so well and at the same time, talk during awkward interviews. 

When EXO started out afresh, you guys weren't like other groups. You guys were so shy on interviews and barely spoke. Under the constant stress of improving, you guys strived for the best. The most touching part, and the part of you that caught my attention, was your everything. 

As the year went along, I noticed that you're actually not what you seem to be. You're tall and had a model-like appearance, but in actual fact, you're awkward and sincere. 

You're bad with kids, and I love how you seem like you want to interact with them and make them happy but could only laugh in a weird manner when you see them. You're so bad at expressive yourself it's starting to make me feel: god, this man is adorable. 

You're such a nice person, you often cared for the fans and even bought a luggage to put their gifts. The first thing that I thought was that, wow you're really considerate. You made the effort to take care of the fans' gifts and never took them for granted. 

You're filial. You often said that you missed your parents and it made me go, aw, I want this kid to go bak to his homeland and visit his parents. You went back to Canada once and disappeared without a trace. Rumors were that you quitted SM and went to China to become an actor. However, no official news were made. I was so worried about you. When a fan reported seeing you at the airport, I cried. I never thought I'd cry so hard for a man I've never seen before, for a man I've never talked to, for a man who didn't know my existence. 

When you went back to Canada, I could see that even thought you were surrounded by persistent fans, you didn't rudely dismiss them. You showed a disappointed face that made my heart ache so much. You didn't want to hurt the fans, did you? 

When you held back your tears and yet people still joked about how cold-hearted you are, I was a little mad. I got mad at how people can't seem to notice your loveliness and how much of a dork you are. You're strong, and you keep things to yourself so much its worrying me. I want you to be happy, and happily ever after. 

I've grown so attached to you, a man with a cute gummy smile, a man who had such burning passion for basketball, a man who never wanted to give up on his dreams, a man that no one could possibly dislike. It's starting to make me scared, scared that I've grown so attached to you but the feelings will just be too much for me to take. 

I've toned down my spazzing over you already, and I really wish you can continue putting up that cheery face, that "arrogance" when you joked about being the second Picasso, the amused face when you see a toy helicopter and angry bird, the fatherly smile when Sehun pestered you for bubble tea. I'd never forget how lovely and perfect you are. And I hope you'll never forget that as well.

I may be just another fan among your dedicated bunch of supporters, but I promise I'll be here till the end, to witness your every single moments. I cherish your existence, and thank you, for being such a great role-model. I sincerely wish for all the best in your life, and may your love life blossom soon. I'm too young and its impossible for me to stay by your side, so I wish someone whom you truly love, and truly loves you, can stay by your side, and take care of you in our place <3

生日快乐，我的天使。:)

Return

It has been a month since I've posted a blogpost. Life has been going on moderately well for me for the past month while I'm gone, but recently, things went all wrong again. The emotions that faded during the past month came back and suffocated me, once again.

I find myself struggling to find my purpose in life. I find myself feeling outcasted and out of place. I find myself getting irritated at most other people. I find myself insignificant and worthless.

Truth is, I want to be noticed. I want people to give me full attention, I like attention. I've always loved attention. I'm thirsting for the attention and applause. Positively. I want myself to appear as a perfect example in front of people. I want them to love me, admire me, I do everything for the sake of that. 

I find myself getting so concerned over how I appear to others and spend most of my time trying to fit in to somewhere. Sometimes I wonder why is everyone getting so worried over themselves and how their image is like in the eyes of others. We're so over ourselves that nobody, nobody is actually paying attention to anyone. 

I'm getting all miserable because I go to school trying so hard, to gain nothing but sadness to bring home. I get so depressed that I'm all sensitive again. I'm very sensitive to how other people treat me and how they think I am as a person. I get so overly horrified over the idea of someone disliking me and such. I feel so ignored most of the time, and it accumulates even when I get home. 

But then honestly, my blogposts and words aren't exactly what my feelings really are. The real emotions that I can relate strongly to are mainly quotes/humor on Tumblr. This social network is becoming something that helps me fill up my loneliness, but this method won't last. I don't want to be a dull one who does things to cover up my sadness. I want to face my emotions, and finally, control them. 

I'm slowly trying to improve on myself, try to calm myself down when something someone commented angered me. I want to understand people, and know that they themselves have their own troubles too. If we know each other don't live easily, we shouldn't try to ruin others too right? 

I just want to be happy, but it seems like a goal that I can never reach. 

Since its late now, I shall end this blogpost and do another few anime vents/reviews soon! :) (this is so awkward since I start with some emotional sad shit and it ends with a smiley face sorry I fucked shit up so bad) 

Confused

"You're a fucking bitch. Honestly you're so fucking irritatingly rude and insensitive. You're really shamelessly cunning and shallow. Please stop being a motherfucking selfish bitch. Cunt." 

Without realizing what the actual heck I was doing, I scribbled these angry words on my paper. I don't know anymore. I thought after so many months, I'd be free from the depression that has bugged me so much at the start of the year. I thought I had solved everything, and made everything alright. But fate just had to play with me. I am so tired, really really tired, physically and mentally. I'm sick of these mind games and lies from "friends" and teachers and adults and just fucking every single one of the humans on Earth. I use to only cry when I'm alone, but now I have the urge to cry even when there are people around me who are thinking that I'm having "fun". 

Everyone treats me like a joke, because I'm "sarcastic", "funny" and "thick-skinned". You want to laugh at me? Go ahead. It doesn't hurt your little mind but it hurts my already bruised heart. All of you just had to be so fake, so fake that your acts are so transparent. I just want to find someone sincere and understands me. I just want that one simple soul to accompany me, be my support for the rest of my life. I believe I deserve to have that soulmate, and so do everyone on Earth. I am so sick and tired of people I have stopped throwing tantrums at them, shunning myself away from crowds etc. Instead, I try to mix around, hopelessly trying to find myself. It doesn't work. What they said about "standing up after you fall" doesn't fucking work. I'm so tired. 

I believe that those people who seem close to me right now aren't really my friends just because they genuinely like me. If they do, they wouldn't do so much things to hurt me, and even if I apparently told them about it, they ignored it. They treated me like a joke, a lifeless puppet that they could throw away when I'm old and worn out, and use when I'm pretty and entertaining. I am so sick of these people, so sick of these acts. So damn sick of the drama. I am a twisted human being, because I've seen so much beyond what I should have seen. I'm not mature like they say, I am insane. Absolutely insane. Is it just me or that my "friends" seem to always tell me lies to pamper me and cover up those holes with even more holes. I have really bad trust issues because I tend to see things in a deeper way, and it gets me crazy because I can't make the right judgement about everyone. Its so frustrating. 

Its even more frustrating when I always make the wrong decisions. Like I chose to believe these people because they've told me about themselves "honestly" and they seem to treat me fine. I chose to believe them, when they confide in me, I gave a lot, a lot of suggestions. But they don't work, they either tell me opposite things or tell me that they're okay and still fucking come and show obvious hints that they want fucking attention from me. Yes I get it, you're faking pity just for me to feel guilty, you just want me to fucking comfort you and make you feel better. Sorry, I did fell for all your tricks, insolent bitches. 

Every single time.

But when I need help, who was there for me? Laughs they can't even see through my fake smiles. They can't. They're just that shallow of a human being. I don't want to deal with these people anymore. I want to get good grades and get out of here real fast. The people in the other places might give me a place where I belong. But a buzzing city full of lies and doubts doesn't suit me. Maybe I should go and be a farmer or something.

Recently I'm having really bad headaches and muscle cramps. My mind seems to be buzzing with thoughts and sometimes while walking, I have this dizzy feeling and I feel like something inside my mind exploded. Maybe its just me.

I want to end this post here, finished ranting. Lets just hope those cunts don't find my blog and spread it out to everyone. But if you are lucky enough to come across my blogpost, feel free to confront me about any of the fucking details and I don't fucking care if you want to retort about any content that I've posted. 

Ugh tests

Hello!!! I'm having a test tomorrow and I seriously just feel like giving up now. Instead of revising, I blog to talk about how nervous I am omg ;n; I just can't seem to get anything into my head and I can't understand anything. Those questions in the practice papers are like those that are totally unrelated to the topic and I just???1!??? I feel like flipping the table right now cries cause I still have another major exam coming up in two weeks. Truth be told, my first year here is not really going well. 

Idk about this but I've never really analyzed my own character? Like I always analyze and observe others but I don't know who I am. Isn't that pathetic, seeing through others but never yourself. I just checked the teachers' comments about my last term's performance. Well most of them about how I should really put in effort to achieve better grades etc. There was only two that specifically explained about my behavior in class. One of them said the typical one, strive for progress, able to think critically blah blah blah. I've seen enough of that throughout my six years  in primary school alright, not a surprise in any way. As for the other teacher, she said that I'm actually a smart person, just that I'm not outspoken and tend to keep all the things to myself, like doesn't unleash my hidden skills? I don't know anything, I feel so lost. 

Well this is going to be the end of the blogpost today, I'm so frustrated now I have to go back to studying. Just please please please please let me pass this oh god bless your beautiful souls.