Return

It has been a month since I've posted a blogpost. Life has been going on moderately well for me for the past month while I'm gone, but recently, things went all wrong again. The emotions that faded during the past month came back and suffocated me, once again.

I find myself struggling to find my purpose in life. I find myself feeling outcasted and out of place. I find myself getting irritated at most other people. I find myself insignificant and worthless.

Truth is, I want to be noticed. I want people to give me full attention, I like attention. I've always loved attention. I'm thirsting for the attention and applause. Positively. I want myself to appear as a perfect example in front of people. I want them to love me, admire me, I do everything for the sake of that. 

I find myself getting so concerned over how I appear to others and spend most of my time trying to fit in to somewhere. Sometimes I wonder why is everyone getting so worried over themselves and how their image is like in the eyes of others. We're so over ourselves that nobody, nobody is actually paying attention to anyone. 

I'm getting all miserable because I go to school trying so hard, to gain nothing but sadness to bring home. I get so depressed that I'm all sensitive again. I'm very sensitive to how other people treat me and how they think I am as a person. I get so overly horrified over the idea of someone disliking me and such. I feel so ignored most of the time, and it accumulates even when I get home. 

But then honestly, my blogposts and words aren't exactly what my feelings really are. The real emotions that I can relate strongly to are mainly quotes/humor on Tumblr. This social network is becoming something that helps me fill up my loneliness, but this method won't last. I don't want to be a dull one who does things to cover up my sadness. I want to face my emotions, and finally, control them. 

I'm slowly trying to improve on myself, try to calm myself down when something someone commented angered me. I want to understand people, and know that they themselves have their own troubles too. If we know each other don't live easily, we shouldn't try to ruin others too right? 

I just want to be happy, but it seems like a goal that I can never reach. 

Since its late now, I shall end this blogpost and do another few anime vents/reviews soon! :) (this is so awkward since I start with some emotional sad shit and it ends with a smiley face sorry I fucked shit up so bad) 

Confused

"You're a fucking bitch. Honestly you're so fucking irritatingly rude and insensitive. You're really shamelessly cunning and shallow. Please stop being a motherfucking selfish bitch. Cunt." 

Without realizing what the actual heck I was doing, I scribbled these angry words on my paper. I don't know anymore. I thought after so many months, I'd be free from the depression that has bugged me so much at the start of the year. I thought I had solved everything, and made everything alright. But fate just had to play with me. I am so tired, really really tired, physically and mentally. I'm sick of these mind games and lies from "friends" and teachers and adults and just fucking every single one of the humans on Earth. I use to only cry when I'm alone, but now I have the urge to cry even when there are people around me who are thinking that I'm having "fun". 

Everyone treats me like a joke, because I'm "sarcastic", "funny" and "thick-skinned". You want to laugh at me? Go ahead. It doesn't hurt your little mind but it hurts my already bruised heart. All of you just had to be so fake, so fake that your acts are so transparent. I just want to find someone sincere and understands me. I just want that one simple soul to accompany me, be my support for the rest of my life. I believe I deserve to have that soulmate, and so do everyone on Earth. I am so sick and tired of people I have stopped throwing tantrums at them, shunning myself away from crowds etc. Instead, I try to mix around, hopelessly trying to find myself. It doesn't work. What they said about "standing up after you fall" doesn't fucking work. I'm so tired. 

I believe that those people who seem close to me right now aren't really my friends just because they genuinely like me. If they do, they wouldn't do so much things to hurt me, and even if I apparently told them about it, they ignored it. They treated me like a joke, a lifeless puppet that they could throw away when I'm old and worn out, and use when I'm pretty and entertaining. I am so sick of these people, so sick of these acts. So damn sick of the drama. I am a twisted human being, because I've seen so much beyond what I should have seen. I'm not mature like they say, I am insane. Absolutely insane. Is it just me or that my "friends" seem to always tell me lies to pamper me and cover up those holes with even more holes. I have really bad trust issues because I tend to see things in a deeper way, and it gets me crazy because I can't make the right judgement about everyone. Its so frustrating. 

Its even more frustrating when I always make the wrong decisions. Like I chose to believe these people because they've told me about themselves "honestly" and they seem to treat me fine. I chose to believe them, when they confide in me, I gave a lot, a lot of suggestions. But they don't work, they either tell me opposite things or tell me that they're okay and still fucking come and show obvious hints that they want fucking attention from me. Yes I get it, you're faking pity just for me to feel guilty, you just want me to fucking comfort you and make you feel better. Sorry, I did fell for all your tricks, insolent bitches. 

Every single time.

But when I need help, who was there for me? Laughs they can't even see through my fake smiles. They can't. They're just that shallow of a human being. I don't want to deal with these people anymore. I want to get good grades and get out of here real fast. The people in the other places might give me a place where I belong. But a buzzing city full of lies and doubts doesn't suit me. Maybe I should go and be a farmer or something.

Recently I'm having really bad headaches and muscle cramps. My mind seems to be buzzing with thoughts and sometimes while walking, I have this dizzy feeling and I feel like something inside my mind exploded. Maybe its just me.

I want to end this post here, finished ranting. Lets just hope those cunts don't find my blog and spread it out to everyone. But if you are lucky enough to come across my blogpost, feel free to confront me about any of the fucking details and I don't fucking care if you want to retort about any content that I've posted. 

Ugh tests

Hello!!! I'm having a test tomorrow and I seriously just feel like giving up now. Instead of revising, I blog to talk about how nervous I am omg ;n; I just can't seem to get anything into my head and I can't understand anything. Those questions in the practice papers are like those that are totally unrelated to the topic and I just???1!??? I feel like flipping the table right now cries cause I still have another major exam coming up in two weeks. Truth be told, my first year here is not really going well. 

Idk about this but I've never really analyzed my own character? Like I always analyze and observe others but I don't know who I am. Isn't that pathetic, seeing through others but never yourself. I just checked the teachers' comments about my last term's performance. Well most of them about how I should really put in effort to achieve better grades etc. There was only two that specifically explained about my behavior in class. One of them said the typical one, strive for progress, able to think critically blah blah blah. I've seen enough of that throughout my six years  in primary school alright, not a surprise in any way. As for the other teacher, she said that I'm actually a smart person, just that I'm not outspoken and tend to keep all the things to myself, like doesn't unleash my hidden skills? I don't know anything, I feel so lost. 

Well this is going to be the end of the blogpost today, I'm so frustrated now I have to go back to studying. Just please please please please let me pass this oh god bless your beautiful souls.

I don't understand omfg

Hello my fellow non-existent readers!!! I'm going to talk about a fanfiction that has been spreading around the exo fandom like wildfire. Its 10080, a ChanBaek fanfiction. Its going to be a very different review I guess? Beware, its going to be mainly critics about how easily influenced this fandom is. I think the last straw I have for this fandom will come soon. I don't even want to explain how shallow this fandom is. Its disgusting and making me cringe how this fandom likes to take comments seriously and act the way they're supposed to. To be honest, I love the otaku fandom more than this fandom. I'm thinking of becoming a semi-stan of exo (until their popularity cools down and those really really annoying "fans" leave the fandom) and then go full anime instead. All my comments will be my personal opinion, no specific attack on anyone! So don't take it that seriously! 

To be honest, this fanfic isn't even that much of a tearjerker. Yes, I admit the language and flow is quite well done. I know I'm only a mere child myself, probably the young one in this fandom, but I'm pretty confident my maturity is higher than some of the fans who are older than me. Is this what the newer generation will become? Okay I'm kinda off topic again heh. So I'm saying that, this fanfic is unique and different from the usual ones. It involves many elements that a normal fanfic would have. I admit, some ideas were pretty interesting. But I can feel that the author is trying to be sentimental throughout the story, especially in those non-realistic conversations and what more, brain cancer. The brain cancer thing is just to inject angst into the readers, but its not really a good idea I would say. 

As much as this fanfic appeals to be all angst and beautifully written, its actually not any (extremely) nicer than those typical fanfics. I'm saying that, the author was just busy trying to make the story feel sentimental and add in many feelings that would evoke the readers' sympathy, but a badly job done. The fandom however, influenced by the "cover" of the fanfiction, insist that it is nice. To be honest, I absolutely has no sad feelings throughout the story, nor do I feel anything that made my heart pound or make me think. I could see the brain cancer thing coming, pretty obvious and not surprising enough. I don't get how some people can cry during this fanfiction, balling your eyes out? seriously? This fandom irks me so much but I'm pretty sure there's still a small amount of fans out there that I look up to. So far I've only found two person who shared the same feelings with me for this fanfiction. undoubtedly, they were much more mature than I am. They spotted the loop holes in the story fast and straight to the point, impressive. This is a much "worsely" done as compared to Anterograde Tomorrow. I have to admit I had that heart clenching moment while reading Anterograde Tomorrow, I even had my eyes red and almost slipping a tear. It was well-written, and no dramatic, unrealistic moments in the story. That's the fanfiction that I adored so much. Unlike this one, I'm not sure what had caused the fandom to react this way, under influence and "expected" reactions I guess? 

Previously I thought the fandom was pretty smart and deep enough to actually "dig" out Anterograde Tomorrow that was posted last year and shared the same heard clenching moments as I do. But now my opinion about the fandom just goes so wrong. I absolutely dislike the way the fandom is behaving. Childish and shallow. I don't know, I'm not saying that I'm a fully mature "brat" who's barely even old enough to drive or anything. I just say what I feel. I know what I'm doing, be it that I'm bragging or not, I do see even deeper things than kids my age do. Its awfully scary to have such a mindset, I'm not blessed with this brain or anything. I've gone through many trivial things that actually made me overthink, changing me into who I am today. I wish I could be a little more naive like the other kids, its a blessing. 

Well thats all I really want to "rant" about today. This is definitely just my opinion, but I need my little space to voice it out within my own world. 

Goodbye, holidays T.T

Anime Review - SNK & Free!

Finally I'm back with another new blogpost! I've been posting really depressing posts previously so I thought it'd be nice if I add some life to it! ^_^ Today I'll be doing an anime review for SNK and Free! I think they're pretty good though they're not complete yet. I just can't help but watch these anime since I heard they're really good and holyshiat they are. 

••••••••••••

So I've been catching up with SNK episodes weekly and I almost cried in the first episode *weeps dramatically* but this week's new episode, 22 got me so sad and its just super heart wrenching. I'm so glad I haven't read the manga because tadaa, surprise scene in anime! 

(I'm so happy Mikasa's birthday is just 8 days away from mine and she's like one of my fav character sooo :D) 

I feel super bad for Petra and Levi and Petra's dad. Petra's dad hinted that Petra was Levi's fiancée and she just had to die right in front of Levi's very eyes. The worst thing is that when Petra died, Levi had to throw her body away to distract the titan in order to ensure everyone's safety. Then Petra's dad had to somehow unintentionally rub it in omfg I just want to take Levi out of the anime brew him a cup of tea wrap him in a giant towel and hug him ever so tight and tell him its okay (even though I'm sure he's an independent captain who no need my comfort LOL) 

I just-

Shingeki no kyojin just kills every character that I love so much I just can't even-

*SHAKES VIOLENTLY* 

And then there's another yaoi couple that I ship so badly though they barely had any interactions and that's Macro x Jean the words Macro said before he died is just so beautiful and I can feel the pang of pain through my heart when he died. 

This anime is such a tear jerker it just gets better and better but its just so damn saddening and all so I can't stop watching and I have never felt so emotionally attached to any anime except for SAO (which I have totally neglected once I started watching SNK I'm SO SORRY I HAVE SINNED T.T) 

•••••••••••

2nd anime that I've watched recently would be Free! It's still ongoing but the graphics and storyline is just so good. I get really happy when I watch this anime and I just feel like I want to jump into the anime and join them lmao.  Oh I have to do a character analysis or else I'll not continue life without regret.

This anime just have two female characters so I had to ship yaoi couples ROFL forgive me nope nope I'm not sorry at all HAHA. I ship Makoto and Haruka! They're so adorable together and its so lovley how they have this special bond and they care so much for one another its so darn cute *_* And and and I ship Nagisa and Rei too they're like the dumbass duo XD 

I have to say I kind of ship Rin and Haruka too and if this is a yaoi anime, then they'd definitely end up together undeniably. But since Rin is being such a selfish and douche, I can't help it but somehow bear a hatred towards him (though his beautiful body somehow helped that NOPE NOPE I DIDNT SAY THAT MY MIND IS PURE :D) 

Idk but I feel so sad for him that he didn't let go of himself. He was the one who pushed himself and overthink. He thinks that Haru was the one who wanted to stop his success and he just had to stoop so low to mock Haru when he lost. I can feel that he still wants to be in a team with Haru, Makoto and Nagisa, but he's just being so darn obstinate (and attractive ;-)) I feel so bad for him though and I can somehow relate to his egoistical and doubtful character. 

And then there's Haru! I have this huge crush on him since he's like totally my type. He's cool and composed at all times and he knows his agenda and goal in life (though he can feel lost at times xD) and plus he's really dorkish at times and his love for swimming is just so darn adorable lmao. The part where he had a hard time choosing from 5 swimming trunks that totally looked the same to me got me cracking so hard I just couldn't hold myself back. 

If I have to ship a straight couple, it'd be Haru and Gou. They look really sweet together haha but I have to admit I ship Gou and the other swimming team's captain (forgot his name he's the spiky head HAHA) more together! Its somehow just cute that Gou speaks every fangirls mind throughout the entire anime. She's not vain and she's a really dedicated swimming club manager. I just love her character to death and I swear I'd love to be her friend (if I could). 

Overall, these two animes are totally of different genres but are indeed potential and mind-blowing! They both give different feelings but are enjoyable and beautiful, especially the graphics. Free! has better graphics (considering how much triceps biceps and muscles they show ;) JKJK I just prefer their drawing style cause its totally shounen-ai-ish!) but SNK has a better background music and impact. 

Both are my newly favourites in my anime list and next up I'd like to watch Kuroshitsuji, Anohana and Fate/Zero! :-) I'm not really feeling depressed anymore cause of these two animes. I honestly want to have a close friendship like theirs in the stories, especially that in Free! Like they always stick through thick and thin and are always there for one another. Isn't that beautiful? (: I wish I can find such friendship in my life or else I can just burry myself with anime for the rest of my life (no regrets man) 

Last but not least, a beautiful fanart from SNK! 

Just a burden

I feel like I'm just burdening everyone. At first, I feel frustrated. Why can't anyone just be sentimental and understand my feelings thoroughly. Its so hard to keep all the anger to myself. In the end, when I try to vent on the social media, everyone judges me and eventually whispers behind my back. I'm sorry but that totally wasn't meant for you to see. You don't like my rants? Unfollow, block, unfriend, whatever you want. I'm tired of bottling up every single tinge of hurt I'm feeling. And you'll never understand me. You all always say that its no big deal, but are you someone who is that twisted and broken like me? 

I hate hypocrites.. 

People who ditch their friends for those "cooler" and more "popular" people to hang out with. Aren't you ashamed of yourself? I'm sure you don't have to make up any kind of excuse just to try to boot lick both parties. Speak the truth, and not let your actions do it all for you. I'm so disgusted at people who pretend to be friendly and then goes: "oh lol I have better things to do so I'm not gonna talk to you anymore."

I'm sorry but you have been officially labelled as a shallow faggot.

Those people who appears like they're helping everyone and being friendly, at the back, they stab everyone. I have this feeling that my entire class is filled with just shallow people (except for a few) who have totally no idea what life was like and they pretend to be. Sure, I'm so egoistic to indirectly consider myself as someone wise, but isn't it better than people who refused to accept compliments? Like they drowns in: "no, I'm not smart/pretty/talented at all!" 

If I compliment you, I really mean it. Jolly well take my compliment and not be a fucking bitch and reply with those kind of things like: "you're better." Its so bloody god darn obvious you're so much better. Sorry if you think that I complimented you just to get a compliment myself. No, I just want you to be aware of the good points about yourself. 

So why can't you not be so "mainstream" and thinks that its only right to deny it? I'm so tired, I'm not like the others okay? 

From frustration to sadness. I just feel that people always tell me: "you can talk to me when you're feeling down okay?" but when I really tell them, they purposely shun themselves away from me and indirectly showed that they didn't want to be involved in me and my silly emotions. So when I gave you all those advices and encouragements, you'd gladly accept them and feel much better.

Moreover, your concerns are so much smaller and more trivial as compared to mine. 

Afraid of getting a B instead of an A? I'm sorry but as a student with a below average C grade I can't do no shit but feel even worse after you tell me about you getting a B. You have found the wrong person to talk to. But then what was my reply? Did I shoo you off with a cold glare? No, I was the one who typed until fucking Whatsapp limit just to cheer you up. And what was your reply after I feel down with all the pressurizing environment? 

You left.

Its understandable how you could not understand me after you get up from an all time low. I'm so sorry for bothering you then (?) You say you're trying, but no, anyone could see that there was no signs of you working hard. You suck big time. (I'm not indirectly saying about anyone. Its just practically almost everyone) 

I feel so sad whenever a friend is lost just because that friend ditched real friendship for something "more". Materialistic. So you hang out with people who are so "high up in the air" instead of your old usual cheery circle of understanding friends? Great choice. 

Some people are just not contented with what they have. They have friends all around them and they apparently enjoyed their accompany. Don't come and tell me in my face that you have no friends. Sorry but did I hear it quite right? 

Then look at me. I have no friends. I come to school with no one greeting me good morning while everyone is buzzing with one another. I didn't want to go for lunch not because I'm dieting or lazy to go down. Its because I have no friends to have lunch with. I go home alone. Even when I really try and initiate to ask others to go home with me, they quickly make up some excuses and sheepishly smiles at me. I'm so hurt. It feels like a thousand needles are pocking my heart.

I'm invisible. 

That doesn't matter, even the people I thought I'm close with chose to befriend other people. When you're alone, I was with you. Now you're popular, you ditch me? I'm so disappointed. Your actions betrayed your words of false promises. 

My mom told me to focus on my studies and ignore the others. But how to? Everyone's so competitive and shallow. Annoying thing is, I can't find anyone to confide with. I'm just a burden to everyone. 

I just deleted the hearts on most of those that I have added in my contacts. I treat them as a part of me. But I don't get my fair share of love. I'm so upset. I know I'm not up to standard. 

 But please, shower me with some love? 

Flower petals

茉莉花，

淡淡的清香，

茉莉花，

不凋谢的花瓣，

茉莉花，

轻轻一吹的花粉，

茉莉花，

永远凄凉的茉莉花

I sound so angst I feel like hiding my face in a hole and never come out. 

I think I'm a contradicting person. First thought will always be different from the second. The next moment I'll be pondering over what kind of response to give. Which is more suitable for this person's liking? Seems like I always end up with the wrong decision. 

I always point out the irony and sneer at other's tiny flaws when it comes to words. In the end, I'm just the same old pathetic me. I thought I had the globe in my hands turns out the globe is just a hallucination. I'm the one who contradicts and makes a fool out of myself. Me playing around with words, or so I thought. But I'm at the wits end, with you having me at your fingertips. Shaming me with your critical and harsh words. It was indirect, but I could feel the ice dripping from your words. 

Oh, if only you can handle sarcasm better honey. 

I always convince myself that no, I'm not proud at all. Yes I'm humble. I knew there was still a tinge of proudness protruding from my heart. But I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. Soon time goes by, shallow people would take in to mind that I'm a humlbe person, truth is, I'm so numb from all the self comforting that my egoness grew more than what I initially expected. My expectations became high and when people gets scores lower than me, I'll just think of it as its common. Its something that proves life is going on well. But when I get worse, I keep asking myself why, not that I'm really seeking for the truth though. 

I didn't put in much effort.

Surprisingly, some teachers spot it. They knew my inner mind better than I do. They indirectly told me about it. They smirked when they saw through my lies. 

It was obvious.

Sometimes I just feel like breaking down because I can't seem to do anything right. Studies, I put in so much effort but all I got was a big fail. People who rushed them last minute scores well. It makes me wonder what have went wrong. What could have? 

Oh just an interruption. I hear kids screaming from the void deck and police sirens. I hope its nothing serious. 

Back to the point. I just feel like my head could crack right now. I'm so confused about myself. I don't even know who I am already. I'm a monster, a monster hiding in a cave, a monster who wants to be loved, a monster who yearned to be everything it was not, a monster, a terrifying monster.

Today my dad drove me home. I was so upset about everything and everyone and I just don't know what to do. He was so concerned and I could see he was trying to cheer me up. I had no mood to. I feel so guilty. He thought its just my studies problem. Oh no its not; my mind has already went wild. 

Its already more than what you think it is.