Troubled

Hello, nobody will probably see this but I'm still gonna let out all my feelings and thoughts here instead of bottling them up and keeping them to myself.

It hurts to do so.

So well, basically I feel so left out, hurt, ostracized, stereotyped, judged in school. I'm alone all by myself. Nobody likes me and some even spat at me at times using sarcasm. Maybe they don't realize this hurts me but I must say it still hurts like hell. I think a lot of people are experiencing the same thing as me and those of you who are reading this will be like : ugh suck it up bimbo, you're not special or anything, attention seeker.

But really, I do need to voice this fuck out if not I'll be really super depressed. I'll assume that someone is reading this and caring for me silently even if I'm cheating myself. Its a white lie :)

My classmates (don't specify who) already have their own clique. They seldom talk to me unless they need something. Some of them are so stuck up at times I can't stand them even though I know they don't mean it, not on purpose. But I feel really solemn in the heart. Physically, mentally, literally the whole class is hurting me indirectly. What have I done to deserve this both in secondary school and primary school? Even tuition centre. Nobody likes me so I cry everyday either alone in class or in the middle of the night when everyone thinks that I'm sleeping peacefully.

I don't even tell my soft toys what is happening I just cry with them and hug them tightly. They're my only friends I can rely and trust. Especially this person (sorry I'm not gonna say her name). I don't know why she has been so cold to me, basically just ignoring me on purpose and I realized I'm the only person she's treating like this. She pretends to be friendly and say : awww I love you <3 but deep in her heart she doesn't mean it. What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them? Lies, lies, lies. I feel betrayed.

She's just against me in everything and leaving me out of things. I bet some of my classmates gather together and gossip about me behind my back. This has previously happened to this girl in my class and I joined in as well, ignorant as fuck. She was ostracized, left alone without friends and I fell really bad. Its not entirely her fault and I wanted to be her friend. However this gang I've been talking to continued bad mouthing her and I was like, I'm gonna mood-swing and ditch you all but I'm not talking to this girl as well. Really bad of me huh? Making both sides hurt by sitting on the fence.

Then eventually, the bad thing landed on me. I was treated the same as the previous girl but what is worse is that my "friends" still throw me some sentences at times. I don't need your pity I'm not a beggar, I need friends. I treat friendship more importantly than love.

What if I can't juggle both properly? I mess up my kinship as well. I've been treating my parents with disrespect and they're apparently disappointed in me. I can't help it but cry. What have I done to get this? I feel ... Lost .

Someone help me .