I'm sad

Hi! Its approximately midnight here in my country. I know nobody checks my blog or ever reads my posts but I have to really type out my feelings here instead of Twitter because I'm probably annoying my friends, making them judge me and go "oh wow happy wallowing in self-pity bitch but nuh uh nobody's going to like you." 

I'm feeling very upset now and the problem here is, I don't even know why am I feeling like this right now. Its like broken, scared, paranoid, lost and angry. I feel broken, I feel like nobody's going to like me and even those friends of mine are just faking smiles and friendly gestures just to show the other people they're the "nice and friendly" people. I don't know, I have trust issues. I'm feeling depressed cause I've been backstabbed before when I chose to believe my friends and I've also felt guilty because I didn't believe the real friends I had and I lost them. Even though some of them are still friends with me now, I feel really guilty and we're not close like before. I wanted to save everything. Save every single friendship I've broken. I just want everything to change back to how they use to be but I know they will never be the same.

I'm alone, to be exact, I'm feeling alone. 

So I basically think ^ is my problem. I missed out so many friendship chances, I screw them up, I broke them, I do whatever to destroy them. They weren't suppose to turn out that way. And ^ is how I lost many friends. They thought I was mad at them when I'm just paranoid they feel like I'm irritating them or whatsoever. I'm so scared. I don't want this to happen ever again.

If it ever happen again, I think I'm going insane.

Insane.

School starts tomorrow and I have no fucking idea who is willing to hang out with me because they're attracted to my personality or just for the sake of attention. I really don't know, and I feel so desperate I started crying. 

It always fucking hurts like a bitch at night. I don't know what to do, I'm so fucked up and stuff. I just don't know. I feel so desperate its like nobody ever likes me. Nobody.

And the worse thing is, what happened a few months earlier, that incident, is still etched into my mind. I thought those new close friends of mine doesn't like me anymore and decided to dump me aside, and I felt so angry at them. And I thought they hated me because I always had the weirdest and scariest mood-swings when I'm with them. I feel so scared of losing them, I feel so scared of breaking them. 

I always wanted to apologize. But I don't have the guts to.

Stupid dignity.

I wanted to save this, so I thought leaving was the best solution since it seems like they didn't like me for my mood-swings and I'm always being the aggressive and selfish one. I don't know. I act like I don't care about losing this friendship but

 it still hurts like a bitch 

thinking I didn't believe that they were actually the real friends who will stay by my side. 

Jealousy hurts like a bitch

Now they have new friends and me too. Whenever I see them with new friends I'll be jealous. Why? Because I've lost such great friends and now they're with someone new. Its like you still love your ex-boyfriend though you dumped him and seeing him with a new girlfriend who will take care of him and adore him more than you will ever do hurts like a bitch.

I swear everything hurts like a bitch.

Now I just feel like whatever I do will always be an irritant in the other people's eyes. I don't know how to face people now and I hate the fact that I act like I don't care and I'm proud of being anti-social but I'm really not. Hiding the fact that I'm just lonely and desperate for some friends and pretend that I didn't mind being alone. Being alone hurts too.

Hiding behind a mask hurts like a bitch. 

It hurts how I have to act calm and cool about everything that is really bothering me deep in my heart like when people joke about my flaws but I come to a sudden realization what if they aren't joking and worse of all they're talking about the worst insecurities I've always feared for but I don't want people to think that I'm a whiny and petty bitch so I laughed it off but when they start joking about it more aggressively, not just twice, I get really depressed and sometimes don't laugh at their joke anymore.

The major problem now is that school reopens tomorrow and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt people and I don't want to get hurt. I wish someone could listen to all my worries, understand me, and most of all don't judge me and just give me a simple hug. I loved hugs honestly. They make me feel secure. And worse still, I want to try cutting these few days already. I want to but I'm holding back. 

It sucks,

And it hurts like a bitch. 

I haze you

When you step out of your house, what will greet you will be the horror of your life, lighting a spark that will sent thrills down your cold spine. Shuddering, you continued walking, before you could recognize a landmark you felt like your throat was parched. You gasped for air and felt your lungs burning with fire. It was simply unbearable. You couldn't see anything and instead, felt around with your cold bare fingers while feeling the urge to puke and die on the spot due to the disgusting smell that is simply unbearable. You continued walking and saw something, it was a signboard. As you took a closer look, you realized the signboard says: Welcome to Singapore! 

You scrunched your nose and a newspaper article magically appeared in your hands. Curiosity drove you to the limits as you squinted your eyes under the dim light, trying to decode the bold words. "Singapore haze due to Indonesia burning. Government takes immediate actions" you gasped and choked on the air. Unbearable, unbearable. How long will this last? 

Haha okay that was just this random story that happened to pop into my mind like just now :( sorry if the content seemed to encourage any offensive remarks :( But heya! Its the holidays and its super, god darn hazy outside. I'm mad? Cause it will not be this hazy next week. And guess what, next week is the end of holidays. God bless all my untouched homework then T.T 

So hey! Life's pretty good these few days and I'm getting more food heheheheheheehehehe. And yeah!!! #EXO4thWin . I guess I have nothing else to say since I'm not supposed to be using my phone right now. Will update my blog again if something interesting happens. Bye xoxo :) , 

Battle field

I clutched my forehead,
I screamed in agony,
I tore off the papers,
I cried.

This battle certainly wasn't what I asked for,
The amount of blood and tears shed wasn't what I asked for,
Tests, the worst thing ever.

Ahh, my block tests starts tomorrow T.T //silently crouches in a corner and cries// Well, so as you know, I've been flunking my subjects such as Geography since I stepped into my secondary school. And there! Tomorrow I already have two tests. I'm not even ready for this shit I swear. Damn. None of the informations and terminologies are going into my brains.

I cried,
The paper stared,
I bawled,
The paper stared,
Blank

I don't really know how to cope with this. Well in primary school, I use to be the top of the top. Every single year I get the too three. Now that I've entered a prestigious school, things don't get easy anymore. Pressure from everywhere. Tired. Sick. Angry. Solemn. Yeah thats pretty much me. I've really got no interesting stories in life to tell. My life isn't as melodramatic as the others. They have romance, love, friendship, family, careers, dreams to talk about. Me? Practically nothing. Guess I'll have to be in this way :<

Love, its something curious. Its something that makes you want to taste. Its something you've seen happening to the others. You can't wait to have your own. But what if yours is an one-sided love? Things get pretty bad. Your heart gets shattered into thousands of pieces when you see him/her with another. Smiling, just to cover up this love. I don't get it. If you wanna know how he/she feels, ask. At least you stand a chance of knowing how he/she feels about you. Is it the same heart thumping sounds? Is it the same sweaty palms? Is it the same gaze in their dark and attractive eyes? Is it the same as what your soul feels? You'll only get the answer by asking. If you don't do anything to help your pathetic state, there was no move made. Things remains pretty much the same.

If you're together, trust. Remember how you first felt around him/her? Remember how you both were madly in love with each other? Remember how the both of you do sweet things a couple does together? Think of the past. If you're quarreling over a small thing, think again. Is it worth it? You've came so far, you've come together as one, here you are easily breaking apart because of insecurity. If he/she doesn't love you, leave. Don't let any feeling linger. Don't let any hate linger. Don't. You need to put your own self into the other's shoes. All this love about is trust. If your relationship is shallow, the trust would be broken easily. It means this love is not worth protecting. Just think. And put in all your trust. If you really do.

Friends, what are they? The ones that notices your presence when they need something? The ones that will backstab you because of other benefits, the ones that are friends with you simply because you're a bridge, a connection to what he/she wants? Or one that you can spill all your feelings to, without feeling judged? Its all up to you to decide who are your real friends. Don't get angry if some people don't have replies you wanted when you converse, because it simply means both of you don't get along. Its like fire and water, you get what I mean? Yep. Friends, they are there when you need them. Friend, you are there when they need you. You do everything together. Get sad together. Get hyper together. All kinds of things just to make you feel comfortable and relaxed. Once you see a possible friendship potential, don't let it slip. Chances are rare. Grab them.

Family, they're whats gonna last forever, unlike love and friendship. The blood bond will always be there. Blood is thicker than water. No matter how much you dislike them, you'd come to a realization you loved them more than anything when something happens. Appreciate what you have, before you appreciate what you had. For me, I put family first, over friendship and love. Even if you put in a lot of love that you can't even quit, you'd never get hurt, you're a family, you're one. For love and friendship, if the bond is not strong enough, eventually it shatters and breaks. However if too much feelings is put it, you'll find yourself crying yourself to sleep, wishing everything will go back to it use to be.

Ok I'm being a life morals guru here lmao. But I'm saying what I think okay :) Oh and by the way, I deleted my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. I'll install them back after my block tests. Ugh distractions. //toss phone out of window// haha I'm being lame. Have a nice day! :)

Hi guys Hey ladies

Hello c: Its about 12AM over here at Singapore. I've decided to type this blog post since it has been a while since I did show all my thoughts and hectic schedule here.

So yeah, my schedule has been jam packed with block tests, quizzes, student initiated assessments, practicals... So on and so for. You name it, I have them all since this year. I know life in a prestigious school is not as easy as the normal and carefree life I use to lead back in my primary school. I regretted not putting my best foot forward during my primary school and instead, wasting my precious time on useless things such as ranting and gossiping. They don't improve my situation do they? The only thing that can make a difference is how we look at life and how we live our life.

Apparently if you look at something on the bright and positive side, you will feel this sense of encouragement and ecstasy in your heart and soul. Instead of running away from all sorts of problems, you face them. Now at least you stand a chance to win. However if you look at the dark side of things, they get real complicated and shit stuffs happen. Things get real when more problems started invading in when you haven't settled the previous one. Fml huh. But it all depends on the way you look at stuffs so I guess /shrugs/

Oh and tomorrow I have like three important tests chained together I CANT BREATHE. I did last minute revision but apparently nothing goes into my mind LOL /sobbing/

OHHH YES. I feel like there's a need to talk about this common topic called love. Oh hey I know everyone likes handsome guys or pretty girls right? But its really creepy if you don't know them and you just stalk them everywhere, physically or on the social media its like you know everything about him/her but doesn't know each other. Put yourself in their shoe its like I-know-I'm-Attractive-But-No-Just-Stahp thingy. Its really shallow of people who fall in love with people for their appearance and not for their character. Well idol crushes are understandable, they're different cases. But hell no you're not a horny teenager who goes around stalking every attractive looking person and falls in "love" with them even though you do not know them personally. I despise people like this. I don't believe in love at first sight to be honest.


I guess I'll stop here for the day /yawns/ I'm sleepy so nights everyone! Here's pictures of my ideal bedroom :) ENJOY ^.^

Creys

So its Sunday already . The last day of my dearest March Ho(mework)lidays T.T School starts next week & I'm like sobbing because my homework is not completed yet . Oh well , and block tests are coming up as well . HeheHEHEHEHE c: ／给你包子／ Today the seniors brought us to the Guide House at Bishan to buy our guide uniform . Well it was pretty cool and fun there .

Ok nothing much to say . So should I just spam with pictures ? LOL .

Back from camp

HELLO ! I'm back from my LSC camp in school :) Feeling quite glad to be home right now but part of me wants to go back to school , curls into a ball and continue sleeping like there's no tomorrow . Gonna start on my homework and revision for my block test soon :D Gambatte and hope I'll stop procrastinating and being so bad tempered already .

So during LSC, we had dragon boat on the first day . It was scorching hot but we had fun splashing the reservoir water at the other boats. We named ourselves Potatoes and the other half of the class Tomatoes. Since I'm sitting at the front I got splashed like 10 times by the pails T^T It was pretty fun and enjoyable except that my hands were aching like mad when I got home.

Day two hmmm ... We did heritage tour. So we had to find stations with the clues and then find out more about our school's history . I feel happy to be able to contribute to one of the questions in the history quiz :> But we were running everywhere so I was like walking all the way while the others are running like rockets. It was unexpectedly fun but again, tiring .

Then the third day is our residential camp yaaay *throws confetti* We did inter-class games and there's floorball, volley ball and captains ball. I took volley balm and our team got second even though I only helped in one match. Then one of the girls on my team was like : you also never do anything! Then I'm like : MEHHH . Don't really bother to care at least I contributed something that means I'm not a freeloader (?) in the afternoon we did team games and we just had to run and run and run and I gave up and wriggled into the sleeping bag after returning to the classroom. Our mascot is like.... Uhm unsightly somehow. Its distorted D:

And that night there's the movie night ( yaaaay ) I didn't really watch the full movie because I was lying on the floor of the hall together with some friends and talking about other stuffs. I love the atmosphere <3 Its like peaceful and comfy :3 the movie was really nice and there's a lot of sweeeeeeet moments.

Thursday, we spent the day practicing for our class performance. Guess what I cried because I was so frustrated when I'm part of the dancer troupe but they won't pay any attention to me and teach me the dance steps. Ugh so I just gave up. I returned to the classroom after going to the toilet. My form teacher don't even care about me anymore ( ughhhhh ) . But some peeps still realized I'm sad and they provided me tissues and hugged me, giving me words of encouragement with some hilarious comments. Feel so touched I cried again so they have to keep taking tissues for me ( LOL xD )

The performance was quite badly done but anyway we tried our best. Oh by the way, the one third ( which is 2 people ) asked me if I was okay. At least they still have some empathy but the others don't even care and just stare at me. Can't care more about them but they were complaining about the dance and how they're annoyed. I could feel that they wanted to cry as well but well, almost all of them cried before :X so yep I was happy when I finally saw my dad in the night and every time I thought about how my dad will be there and if I cry , how sad he will feels . So I tried to put up a smile and didn't tell him anything about it . Just said I was happy & tired. Its a lie but a white one isn't it :)

Friday, which is today, we packed our luggage and did area cleaning. Our group was watching the school ( next to ours ) sports meet and basically jeering a lot , like A LOT . But they can't hear us cause we're like so far away. But I saw their sprint! Quite awesome though ^.^ anyways , the camp gave me a mixed feeling but I have to be happy from now on because apparently even if you're depressed it doesn't help and nobody does anything to help you. They have their own business to mind so yep, BE HAPPY :)

Its like 11 PM here , good night! And thank you the previous anonymous who commented on my post . REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR KINDNESS . I hope I'll cheer up more and look on the bright sight of the life . After all , a rainbow only appears after a thunderstorm :D

Troubled

Hello, nobody will probably see this but I'm still gonna let out all my feelings and thoughts here instead of bottling them up and keeping them to myself.

It hurts to do so.

So well, basically I feel so left out, hurt, ostracized, stereotyped, judged in school. I'm alone all by myself. Nobody likes me and some even spat at me at times using sarcasm. Maybe they don't realize this hurts me but I must say it still hurts like hell. I think a lot of people are experiencing the same thing as me and those of you who are reading this will be like : ugh suck it up bimbo, you're not special or anything, attention seeker.

But really, I do need to voice this fuck out if not I'll be really super depressed. I'll assume that someone is reading this and caring for me silently even if I'm cheating myself. Its a white lie :)

My classmates (don't specify who) already have their own clique. They seldom talk to me unless they need something. Some of them are so stuck up at times I can't stand them even though I know they don't mean it, not on purpose. But I feel really solemn in the heart. Physically, mentally, literally the whole class is hurting me indirectly. What have I done to deserve this both in secondary school and primary school? Even tuition centre. Nobody likes me so I cry everyday either alone in class or in the middle of the night when everyone thinks that I'm sleeping peacefully.

I don't even tell my soft toys what is happening I just cry with them and hug them tightly. They're my only friends I can rely and trust. Especially this person (sorry I'm not gonna say her name). I don't know why she has been so cold to me, basically just ignoring me on purpose and I realized I'm the only person she's treating like this. She pretends to be friendly and say : awww I love you <3 but deep in her heart she doesn't mean it. What are words if you really don't mean them when you say them? Lies, lies, lies. I feel betrayed.

She's just against me in everything and leaving me out of things. I bet some of my classmates gather together and gossip about me behind my back. This has previously happened to this girl in my class and I joined in as well, ignorant as fuck. She was ostracized, left alone without friends and I fell really bad. Its not entirely her fault and I wanted to be her friend. However this gang I've been talking to continued bad mouthing her and I was like, I'm gonna mood-swing and ditch you all but I'm not talking to this girl as well. Really bad of me huh? Making both sides hurt by sitting on the fence.

Then eventually, the bad thing landed on me. I was treated the same as the previous girl but what is worse is that my "friends" still throw me some sentences at times. I don't need your pity I'm not a beggar, I need friends. I treat friendship more importantly than love.

What if I can't juggle both properly? I mess up my kinship as well. I've been treating my parents with disrespect and they're apparently disappointed in me. I can't help it but cry. What have I done to get this? I feel ... Lost .

Someone help me .