Anew

After 8 months without blogging, I've decided to return to this solemn filled space. Not that I'm getting depressed like the past, but I guess I'm slowly getting used to everything and adapting to changes and people. Never really thought that a person could live in pure bliss and ignorance, without an experience of sadness that could have threatened to explode their veins and rushing through their blood. I have finally believed to accept it, instead of fighting it. After all, no one is able to escape from this cage of swirling emotions, that could have possibly burried us alive.

Life was stable and slow, in a sense that I (thought) have let go of past friendships that really held a special place in my heart. However, deep down I know if they would do something to savage it, I would have turned back in a split second. Unfortunately, I was always too cowardly and probably I'm the only one who has still clung onto that thin and light straw of hope. The pace is slow, but sometimes emotions hit me like a truck along a highway. I don't want to fight it vigorously like the past, it has already become a part of me. I don't struggle, because there is no point resisting what will last for an eternity, to everyone. However, I believed I have gained many meaningful  experiences that have filled in some of my life puzzles. I have to admit I still haven't opened up to anyone yet and possibly never will but that's okay because it doesn't matter already. I just have to focus on improving myself and becoming a person I've always strived to be. I'm slowly progressing and getting rid of my joker mask but it seems like I'm just becoming a more introverted and quiet person. 

Next year will be a whole new year, total new experience and environment. My goal is to have a simpler life but still persevere to achieve whatever I want. I want to become braver, more understanding, procrastinate less and do things I want without hesitation. Today is the last day of us being in the same class. Even though some people do piss me off a lot but I still sincerely wish everyone the best because this two years of memories have already slowly etched themselves into my heart. I have to say I'm grateful to everyone, for making me grow as a person, and weirdly, making me actually understand that everyone has a inner side of themselves we will never be able to uncover. 

我还是觉得交朋友需要将心比心，己所不欲勿施于人。如果我能真正成为一个有修养的人，那我真的会为自己感到庆幸与欣慰。毕竟我和体内的恶魔已经大都多年，当我回首的时候，那些黯然的陈年往事竟然还阵阵地刺痛我的心。我要挑战我的极限，不仅为家人朋友奋斗、更是要给自己一个交代。

向前冲刺吧，无畏的小孩！

Its not worth anymore

Venting out on this blog was my hobby but now it seems like this blog isn't needed anymore. Just when I think that I'm fully ready to abandon this solemn place that are filled with my corrupted and selfish thoughts, things started falling out of place again; and I don't know what to do anymore. Where do I even belong?

I'm tired of having this hectic life that is heading towards absolutely nowhere. You can ask me what I'm doing everyday, and I can't even give a proper answer. What have I been doing? Meaningless things that I'm destined to fail at, thats what. I'm too much of a coward, to do what I like. If I fail at what I like, isn't it disgraceful? 

I hate it when people tell me life has its ups and downs. If thats the case, why do I only have the negative sides of life? What have I done to deserve all these? I may not be the one who pays the most attention in class, the one who works the hardest, the one who has a heart that matches Mother Teresa's, but what have I done to receive all these tortures mentally? 

People are complaining about trivial things that I would have ignored and not even take notice of that. It doesn't mean that I'm not pampered like them, I am. I just feel fucked up inside and I don't think that has got to do with my environment right now, since what has been bugging me, is myself.

I hate myself, I don't doubt that. I'm such a contradicting person sometimes my thoughts will fight with one another. Do I follow instinctively or follow what the society deems to be right? I don't even know anymore, I can't find myself, I'm lost. I tell myself everything will be alright, but they only seem to get worse, my thoughts.

I tell myself that being bad at certain subjects did not mean I was a failure, being socially-awkward and an introvert isn't what defines me, disappointing everyone who has placed hopes in me did not matter. I told myself to be selfish so many times, but I just have to be selfish at the wrong times. 

Conversations, I'm sick of them.

"I've only gotten a seven out of ten this time, I feel like a failure." You guys would always complain about this. 

I didn't know if I really didn't care, or that I was just too numb by the amount of pain I'm receiving from those thoughtless remarks that are like venom to me.

"I got a two," I would say, without a trace of bitterness. "Cheer up." 

Thats what I told everyone. I'm such a hypocrite, I can't even cheer up when I tell others to do so. 

"But my standard is different from yours," the words turned into spikes, sharp and cold ones. "I'm expected to get high grades."

I would laugh it off, from the look of disappointment on your face, I know you hated to obtain that score. But it wasn't entirely necessary to say it in front of me, right? Or was hurting me your intention? Well, then your goal has been reached, congratulations. 

"I love you, please continue to be my friend." Selfish, mindless remarks from people, irks me to the core. It even makes me loathe myself even more. 

I would say "of course." but deep inside, I'm cursing you. How all you wanted was not my accompany, but solely for the attention that I will be giving you if I treated you like an important person. I know, I'm creating double standards because my, myself, have evil thoughts like this too.

What if I succeed, and the limelight is on me? It would be great, isn't it?

Those aspirations soon minimized to one that wishes for me to have a place in the society. I can be forgotten, but I don't want to forget about myself. For at that time, I have already lost the battle, my own battle. Left with a pathetic corpse, no one will remember me.

Honestly, I just want to love myself. Why was it so hard? I couldn't figure out why. I might be pure greedy, wanting more and more. But when I stopped and set a goal for me, I couldn't reach it no matter what. I've paid more attention in class than people who played and got distracted. So why was it that they're getting higher grades?

I can only jump to one conclusion, I'm a failure. 

No matter what a failure does, its insignificant because failures don't matter. In the end, its the winners that win.