Confused

"You're a fucking bitch. Honestly you're so fucking irritatingly rude and insensitive. You're really shamelessly cunning and shallow. Please stop being a motherfucking selfish bitch. Cunt." 

Without realizing what the actual heck I was doing, I scribbled these angry words on my paper. I don't know anymore. I thought after so many months, I'd be free from the depression that has bugged me so much at the start of the year. I thought I had solved everything, and made everything alright. But fate just had to play with me. I am so tired, really really tired, physically and mentally. I'm sick of these mind games and lies from "friends" and teachers and adults and just fucking every single one of the humans on Earth. I use to only cry when I'm alone, but now I have the urge to cry even when there are people around me who are thinking that I'm having "fun". 

Everyone treats me like a joke, because I'm "sarcastic", "funny" and "thick-skinned". You want to laugh at me? Go ahead. It doesn't hurt your little mind but it hurts my already bruised heart. All of you just had to be so fake, so fake that your acts are so transparent. I just want to find someone sincere and understands me. I just want that one simple soul to accompany me, be my support for the rest of my life. I believe I deserve to have that soulmate, and so do everyone on Earth. I am so sick and tired of people I have stopped throwing tantrums at them, shunning myself away from crowds etc. Instead, I try to mix around, hopelessly trying to find myself. It doesn't work. What they said about "standing up after you fall" doesn't fucking work. I'm so tired. 

I believe that those people who seem close to me right now aren't really my friends just because they genuinely like me. If they do, they wouldn't do so much things to hurt me, and even if I apparently told them about it, they ignored it. They treated me like a joke, a lifeless puppet that they could throw away when I'm old and worn out, and use when I'm pretty and entertaining. I am so sick of these people, so sick of these acts. So damn sick of the drama. I am a twisted human being, because I've seen so much beyond what I should have seen. I'm not mature like they say, I am insane. Absolutely insane. Is it just me or that my "friends" seem to always tell me lies to pamper me and cover up those holes with even more holes. I have really bad trust issues because I tend to see things in a deeper way, and it gets me crazy because I can't make the right judgement about everyone. Its so frustrating. 

Its even more frustrating when I always make the wrong decisions. Like I chose to believe these people because they've told me about themselves "honestly" and they seem to treat me fine. I chose to believe them, when they confide in me, I gave a lot, a lot of suggestions. But they don't work, they either tell me opposite things or tell me that they're okay and still fucking come and show obvious hints that they want fucking attention from me. Yes I get it, you're faking pity just for me to feel guilty, you just want me to fucking comfort you and make you feel better. Sorry, I did fell for all your tricks, insolent bitches. 

Every single time.

But when I need help, who was there for me? Laughs they can't even see through my fake smiles. They can't. They're just that shallow of a human being. I don't want to deal with these people anymore. I want to get good grades and get out of here real fast. The people in the other places might give me a place where I belong. But a buzzing city full of lies and doubts doesn't suit me. Maybe I should go and be a farmer or something.

Recently I'm having really bad headaches and muscle cramps. My mind seems to be buzzing with thoughts and sometimes while walking, I have this dizzy feeling and I feel like something inside my mind exploded. Maybe its just me.

I want to end this post here, finished ranting. Lets just hope those cunts don't find my blog and spread it out to everyone. But if you are lucky enough to come across my blogpost, feel free to confront me about any of the fucking details and I don't fucking care if you want to retort about any content that I've posted. 

Ugh tests

Hello!!! I'm having a test tomorrow and I seriously just feel like giving up now. Instead of revising, I blog to talk about how nervous I am omg ;n; I just can't seem to get anything into my head and I can't understand anything. Those questions in the practice papers are like those that are totally unrelated to the topic and I just???1!??? I feel like flipping the table right now cries cause I still have another major exam coming up in two weeks. Truth be told, my first year here is not really going well. 

Idk about this but I've never really analyzed my own character? Like I always analyze and observe others but I don't know who I am. Isn't that pathetic, seeing through others but never yourself. I just checked the teachers' comments about my last term's performance. Well most of them about how I should really put in effort to achieve better grades etc. There was only two that specifically explained about my behavior in class. One of them said the typical one, strive for progress, able to think critically blah blah blah. I've seen enough of that throughout my six years  in primary school alright, not a surprise in any way. As for the other teacher, she said that I'm actually a smart person, just that I'm not outspoken and tend to keep all the things to myself, like doesn't unleash my hidden skills? I don't know anything, I feel so lost. 

Well this is going to be the end of the blogpost today, I'm so frustrated now I have to go back to studying. Just please please please please let me pass this oh god bless your beautiful souls.

I don't understand omfg

Hello my fellow non-existent readers!!! I'm going to talk about a fanfiction that has been spreading around the exo fandom like wildfire. Its 10080, a ChanBaek fanfiction. Its going to be a very different review I guess? Beware, its going to be mainly critics about how easily influenced this fandom is. I think the last straw I have for this fandom will come soon. I don't even want to explain how shallow this fandom is. Its disgusting and making me cringe how this fandom likes to take comments seriously and act the way they're supposed to. To be honest, I love the otaku fandom more than this fandom. I'm thinking of becoming a semi-stan of exo (until their popularity cools down and those really really annoying "fans" leave the fandom) and then go full anime instead. All my comments will be my personal opinion, no specific attack on anyone! So don't take it that seriously! 

To be honest, this fanfic isn't even that much of a tearjerker. Yes, I admit the language and flow is quite well done. I know I'm only a mere child myself, probably the young one in this fandom, but I'm pretty confident my maturity is higher than some of the fans who are older than me. Is this what the newer generation will become? Okay I'm kinda off topic again heh. So I'm saying that, this fanfic is unique and different from the usual ones. It involves many elements that a normal fanfic would have. I admit, some ideas were pretty interesting. But I can feel that the author is trying to be sentimental throughout the story, especially in those non-realistic conversations and what more, brain cancer. The brain cancer thing is just to inject angst into the readers, but its not really a good idea I would say. 

As much as this fanfic appeals to be all angst and beautifully written, its actually not any (extremely) nicer than those typical fanfics. I'm saying that, the author was just busy trying to make the story feel sentimental and add in many feelings that would evoke the readers' sympathy, but a badly job done. The fandom however, influenced by the "cover" of the fanfiction, insist that it is nice. To be honest, I absolutely has no sad feelings throughout the story, nor do I feel anything that made my heart pound or make me think. I could see the brain cancer thing coming, pretty obvious and not surprising enough. I don't get how some people can cry during this fanfiction, balling your eyes out? seriously? This fandom irks me so much but I'm pretty sure there's still a small amount of fans out there that I look up to. So far I've only found two person who shared the same feelings with me for this fanfiction. undoubtedly, they were much more mature than I am. They spotted the loop holes in the story fast and straight to the point, impressive. This is a much "worsely" done as compared to Anterograde Tomorrow. I have to admit I had that heart clenching moment while reading Anterograde Tomorrow, I even had my eyes red and almost slipping a tear. It was well-written, and no dramatic, unrealistic moments in the story. That's the fanfiction that I adored so much. Unlike this one, I'm not sure what had caused the fandom to react this way, under influence and "expected" reactions I guess? 

Previously I thought the fandom was pretty smart and deep enough to actually "dig" out Anterograde Tomorrow that was posted last year and shared the same heard clenching moments as I do. But now my opinion about the fandom just goes so wrong. I absolutely dislike the way the fandom is behaving. Childish and shallow. I don't know, I'm not saying that I'm a fully mature "brat" who's barely even old enough to drive or anything. I just say what I feel. I know what I'm doing, be it that I'm bragging or not, I do see even deeper things than kids my age do. Its awfully scary to have such a mindset, I'm not blessed with this brain or anything. I've gone through many trivial things that actually made me overthink, changing me into who I am today. I wish I could be a little more naive like the other kids, its a blessing. 

Well thats all I really want to "rant" about today. This is definitely just my opinion, but I need my little space to voice it out within my own world. 

Goodbye, holidays T.T

Anime Review - SNK & Free!

Finally I'm back with another new blogpost! I've been posting really depressing posts previously so I thought it'd be nice if I add some life to it! ^_^ Today I'll be doing an anime review for SNK and Free! I think they're pretty good though they're not complete yet. I just can't help but watch these anime since I heard they're really good and holyshiat they are. 

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So I've been catching up with SNK episodes weekly and I almost cried in the first episode *weeps dramatically* but this week's new episode, 22 got me so sad and its just super heart wrenching. I'm so glad I haven't read the manga because tadaa, surprise scene in anime! 

(I'm so happy Mikasa's birthday is just 8 days away from mine and she's like one of my fav character sooo :D) 

I feel super bad for Petra and Levi and Petra's dad. Petra's dad hinted that Petra was Levi's fiancée and she just had to die right in front of Levi's very eyes. The worst thing is that when Petra died, Levi had to throw her body away to distract the titan in order to ensure everyone's safety. Then Petra's dad had to somehow unintentionally rub it in omfg I just want to take Levi out of the anime brew him a cup of tea wrap him in a giant towel and hug him ever so tight and tell him its okay (even though I'm sure he's an independent captain who no need my comfort LOL) 

I just-

Shingeki no kyojin just kills every character that I love so much I just can't even-

*SHAKES VIOLENTLY* 

And then there's another yaoi couple that I ship so badly though they barely had any interactions and that's Macro x Jean the words Macro said before he died is just so beautiful and I can feel the pang of pain through my heart when he died. 

This anime is such a tear jerker it just gets better and better but its just so damn saddening and all so I can't stop watching and I have never felt so emotionally attached to any anime except for SAO (which I have totally neglected once I started watching SNK I'm SO SORRY I HAVE SINNED T.T) 

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2nd anime that I've watched recently would be Free! It's still ongoing but the graphics and storyline is just so good. I get really happy when I watch this anime and I just feel like I want to jump into the anime and join them lmao.  Oh I have to do a character analysis or else I'll not continue life without regret.

This anime just have two female characters so I had to ship yaoi couples ROFL forgive me nope nope I'm not sorry at all HAHA. I ship Makoto and Haruka! They're so adorable together and its so lovley how they have this special bond and they care so much for one another its so darn cute *_* And and and I ship Nagisa and Rei too they're like the dumbass duo XD 

I have to say I kind of ship Rin and Haruka too and if this is a yaoi anime, then they'd definitely end up together undeniably. But since Rin is being such a selfish and douche, I can't help it but somehow bear a hatred towards him (though his beautiful body somehow helped that NOPE NOPE I DIDNT SAY THAT MY MIND IS PURE :D) 

Idk but I feel so sad for him that he didn't let go of himself. He was the one who pushed himself and overthink. He thinks that Haru was the one who wanted to stop his success and he just had to stoop so low to mock Haru when he lost. I can feel that he still wants to be in a team with Haru, Makoto and Nagisa, but he's just being so darn obstinate (and attractive ;-)) I feel so bad for him though and I can somehow relate to his egoistical and doubtful character. 

And then there's Haru! I have this huge crush on him since he's like totally my type. He's cool and composed at all times and he knows his agenda and goal in life (though he can feel lost at times xD) and plus he's really dorkish at times and his love for swimming is just so darn adorable lmao. The part where he had a hard time choosing from 5 swimming trunks that totally looked the same to me got me cracking so hard I just couldn't hold myself back. 

If I have to ship a straight couple, it'd be Haru and Gou. They look really sweet together haha but I have to admit I ship Gou and the other swimming team's captain (forgot his name he's the spiky head HAHA) more together! Its somehow just cute that Gou speaks every fangirls mind throughout the entire anime. She's not vain and she's a really dedicated swimming club manager. I just love her character to death and I swear I'd love to be her friend (if I could). 

Overall, these two animes are totally of different genres but are indeed potential and mind-blowing! They both give different feelings but are enjoyable and beautiful, especially the graphics. Free! has better graphics (considering how much triceps biceps and muscles they show ;) JKJK I just prefer their drawing style cause its totally shounen-ai-ish!) but SNK has a better background music and impact. 

Both are my newly favourites in my anime list and next up I'd like to watch Kuroshitsuji, Anohana and Fate/Zero! :-) I'm not really feeling depressed anymore cause of these two animes. I honestly want to have a close friendship like theirs in the stories, especially that in Free! Like they always stick through thick and thin and are always there for one another. Isn't that beautiful? (: I wish I can find such friendship in my life or else I can just burry myself with anime for the rest of my life (no regrets man) 

Last but not least, a beautiful fanart from SNK!