I'm tired of having this hectic life that is heading towards absolutely nowhere. You can ask me what I'm doing everyday, and I can't even give a proper answer. What have I been doing? Meaningless things that I'm destined to fail at, thats what. I'm too much of a coward, to do what I like. If I fail at what I like, isn't it disgraceful?
I hate it when people tell me life has its ups and downs. If thats the case, why do I only have the negative sides of life? What have I done to deserve all these? I may not be the one who pays the most attention in class, the one who works the hardest, the one who has a heart that matches Mother Teresa's, but what have I done to receive all these tortures mentally?
People are complaining about trivial things that I would have ignored and not even take notice of that. It doesn't mean that I'm not pampered like them, I am. I just feel fucked up inside and I don't think that has got to do with my environment right now, since what has been bugging me, is myself.
I hate myself, I don't doubt that. I'm such a contradicting person sometimes my thoughts will fight with one another. Do I follow instinctively or follow what the society deems to be right? I don't even know anymore, I can't find myself, I'm lost. I tell myself everything will be alright, but they only seem to get worse, my thoughts.
I tell myself that being bad at certain subjects did not mean I was a failure, being socially-awkward and an introvert isn't what defines me, disappointing everyone who has placed hopes in me did not matter. I told myself to be selfish so many times, but I just have to be selfish at the wrong times.
Conversations, I'm sick of them.
"I've only gotten a seven out of ten this time, I feel like a failure." You guys would always complain about this.
I didn't know if I really didn't care, or that I was just too numb by the amount of pain I'm receiving from those thoughtless remarks that are like venom to me.
"I got a two," I would say, without a trace of bitterness. "Cheer up."
Thats what I told everyone. I'm such a hypocrite, I can't even cheer up when I tell others to do so.
"But my standard is different from yours," the words turned into spikes, sharp and cold ones. "I'm expected to get high grades."
I would laugh it off, from the look of disappointment on your face, I know you hated to obtain that score. But it wasn't entirely necessary to say it in front of me, right? Or was hurting me your intention? Well, then your goal has been reached, congratulations.
"I love you, please continue to be my friend." Selfish, mindless remarks from people, irks me to the core. It even makes me loathe myself even more.
I would say "of course." but deep inside, I'm cursing you. How all you wanted was not my accompany, but solely for the attention that I will be giving you if I treated you like an important person. I know, I'm creating double standards because my, myself, have evil thoughts like this too.
What if I succeed, and the limelight is on me? It would be great, isn't it?
Those aspirations soon minimized to one that wishes for me to have a place in the society. I can be forgotten, but I don't want to forget about myself. For at that time, I have already lost the battle, my own battle. Left with a pathetic corpse, no one will remember me.
Honestly, I just want to love myself. Why was it so hard? I couldn't figure out why. I might be pure greedy, wanting more and more. But when I stopped and set a goal for me, I couldn't reach it no matter what. I've paid more attention in class than people who played and got distracted. So why was it that they're getting higher grades?
I can only jump to one conclusion, I'm a failure.
No matter what a failure does, its insignificant because failures don't matter. In the end, its the winners that win.
