I'm sad

Hi! Its approximately midnight here in my country. I know nobody checks my blog or ever reads my posts but I have to really type out my feelings here instead of Twitter because I'm probably annoying my friends, making them judge me and go "oh wow happy wallowing in self-pity bitch but nuh uh nobody's going to like you." 

I'm feeling very upset now and the problem here is, I don't even know why am I feeling like this right now. Its like broken, scared, paranoid, lost and angry. I feel broken, I feel like nobody's going to like me and even those friends of mine are just faking smiles and friendly gestures just to show the other people they're the "nice and friendly" people. I don't know, I have trust issues. I'm feeling depressed cause I've been backstabbed before when I chose to believe my friends and I've also felt guilty because I didn't believe the real friends I had and I lost them. Even though some of them are still friends with me now, I feel really guilty and we're not close like before. I wanted to save everything. Save every single friendship I've broken. I just want everything to change back to how they use to be but I know they will never be the same.

I'm alone, to be exact, I'm feeling alone. 

So I basically think ^ is my problem. I missed out so many friendship chances, I screw them up, I broke them, I do whatever to destroy them. They weren't suppose to turn out that way. And ^ is how I lost many friends. They thought I was mad at them when I'm just paranoid they feel like I'm irritating them or whatsoever. I'm so scared. I don't want this to happen ever again.

If it ever happen again, I think I'm going insane.

Insane.

School starts tomorrow and I have no fucking idea who is willing to hang out with me because they're attracted to my personality or just for the sake of attention. I really don't know, and I feel so desperate I started crying. 

It always fucking hurts like a bitch at night. I don't know what to do, I'm so fucked up and stuff. I just don't know. I feel so desperate its like nobody ever likes me. Nobody.

And the worse thing is, what happened a few months earlier, that incident, is still etched into my mind. I thought those new close friends of mine doesn't like me anymore and decided to dump me aside, and I felt so angry at them. And I thought they hated me because I always had the weirdest and scariest mood-swings when I'm with them. I feel so scared of losing them, I feel so scared of breaking them. 

I always wanted to apologize. But I don't have the guts to.

Stupid dignity.

I wanted to save this, so I thought leaving was the best solution since it seems like they didn't like me for my mood-swings and I'm always being the aggressive and selfish one. I don't know. I act like I don't care about losing this friendship but

 it still hurts like a bitch 

thinking I didn't believe that they were actually the real friends who will stay by my side. 

Jealousy hurts like a bitch

Now they have new friends and me too. Whenever I see them with new friends I'll be jealous. Why? Because I've lost such great friends and now they're with someone new. Its like you still love your ex-boyfriend though you dumped him and seeing him with a new girlfriend who will take care of him and adore him more than you will ever do hurts like a bitch.

I swear everything hurts like a bitch.

Now I just feel like whatever I do will always be an irritant in the other people's eyes. I don't know how to face people now and I hate the fact that I act like I don't care and I'm proud of being anti-social but I'm really not. Hiding the fact that I'm just lonely and desperate for some friends and pretend that I didn't mind being alone. Being alone hurts too.

Hiding behind a mask hurts like a bitch. 

It hurts how I have to act calm and cool about everything that is really bothering me deep in my heart like when people joke about my flaws but I come to a sudden realization what if they aren't joking and worse of all they're talking about the worst insecurities I've always feared for but I don't want people to think that I'm a whiny and petty bitch so I laughed it off but when they start joking about it more aggressively, not just twice, I get really depressed and sometimes don't laugh at their joke anymore.

The major problem now is that school reopens tomorrow and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hurt people and I don't want to get hurt. I wish someone could listen to all my worries, understand me, and most of all don't judge me and just give me a simple hug. I loved hugs honestly. They make me feel secure. And worse still, I want to try cutting these few days already. I want to but I'm holding back. 

It sucks,

And it hurts like a bitch. 

I haze you

When you step out of your house, what will greet you will be the horror of your life, lighting a spark that will sent thrills down your cold spine. Shuddering, you continued walking, before you could recognize a landmark you felt like your throat was parched. You gasped for air and felt your lungs burning with fire. It was simply unbearable. You couldn't see anything and instead, felt around with your cold bare fingers while feeling the urge to puke and die on the spot due to the disgusting smell that is simply unbearable. You continued walking and saw something, it was a signboard. As you took a closer look, you realized the signboard says: Welcome to Singapore! 

You scrunched your nose and a newspaper article magically appeared in your hands. Curiosity drove you to the limits as you squinted your eyes under the dim light, trying to decode the bold words. "Singapore haze due to Indonesia burning. Government takes immediate actions" you gasped and choked on the air. Unbearable, unbearable. How long will this last? 

Haha okay that was just this random story that happened to pop into my mind like just now :( sorry if the content seemed to encourage any offensive remarks :( But heya! Its the holidays and its super, god darn hazy outside. I'm mad? Cause it will not be this hazy next week. And guess what, next week is the end of holidays. God bless all my untouched homework then T.T 

So hey! Life's pretty good these few days and I'm getting more food heheheheheheehehehe. And yeah!!! #EXO4thWin . I guess I have nothing else to say since I'm not supposed to be using my phone right now. Will update my blog again if something interesting happens. Bye xoxo :) ,